NEGATIVE MOOD

        The last two days or so I have been in a pretty negative mood. Just looking at my life and pissed at the universe for the hand I've been dealt.  Wondering why I've had so many really bad experiences.  If it's Karma then I must have been a real bastard in my past lives.  So much of what is holding me back are things I had no control over.  Things I had forced or inflicted on me.

          I feel angry when people tell me "It's in the past, get over it!!!"  I'm angry at them for seeming so heartless. I am angry with myself for not being able to just get over it.  I am very compassionate.  Well at least when I know the whole story behind someone.  I am very understanding when someone is hurting, angry, confused, etc.. 

          I know in my head that I am a pretty amazing guy.  But, I just don't feel it.  I feel that I should be in a better place and able to just shrug off the past.  The past doesn't haunt me, like flashbacks or anything like that.  I just feel a total sense of defeat and apathy anymore.  I've pretty much felt like this most of my life.

        This is what I call the poor me syndrome.  Just the feeling of being beaten down by the world>  The feeling of "this just isn't fair".  The feeling of why me.  The feeling of why do I go on.  I know we all go through periods like this.  It will pass. But, I guess I question how do you really get over it and move on.  I guess the closest thing I can come to to describe it is paralysis.  All encompassing feeling of numb.

         I usually medicate by working in the yard, working with the orchids, putzing on the computer, etc.  Anything to just get me out of my own head.  This is why I spend so much money on plants.  When I get a new plant I get the rush of owning something beautiful.  Owning something that connects me to nature.  Plus it is (for the most part) not a one time rush.  I get a similar though smaller rush when the plant flowers the second, third, fourth time. 

          So, I find myself right now, in this mood, medicating by shopping online for orchids, or Trillium, or Daylily, etc..  Pretty much frivolous purchases that I legitimize by using in my breeding programs, or that I plan to sell later.  A lot of people buy clothes, cars, jewelry, etc.  My passion is plants.  So, Orchids seem to be an attempt by me to balance out the baggage.