MASCULINITY (FETISH?)

Masculinity is a strange thing that as a gay male I contemplate often. 

 

 Masculine as defined in an online dictionary:

1a : male  

b : having qualities appropriate to or usually associated with a man

2: of, relating to, or constituting the gender that ordinarily includes most words or grammatical forms referring 

     to males <masculine nouns>

3a : having or occurring in a stressed final syllable <masculine rhyme>

  b : having the final chord occurring on a strong beat <masculine cadence>

 

     Growing up, masculinity was judged by what you did and how you did things.  If you played sports (or if you sucked at playing at least watched them), hunted, fished, etc., you were masculine.  I learned that certain professions were masculine.  Such as being a coal miner, factory worker, police officer, a sports star, etc.  I also learned that if you were interested in plants (orchids etc.), gardening, caring for animals, etc. you were not masculine. Anything that had to do with physical labor and strength was/is considered masculine.  Anything dealing with nurturing or emotions is considered not masculine.

 

     I was emotional and nurturing as a child.  I nurtured plants.  I was emotional.  I expressed caring for others.  Needless to say this lead to bullying and abuse.  Typical of any male who does not conform to societies definition of masculine.

 

     Recently a  male friend of mine (name remaining nameless, but if he reads this I am sure he will know) gave me a list of professions that he considered gay. I was really dismayed to see that he felt nurses were among this group.  He considers male nurses to be all but women.  I was pissed.  Nurses care for the sick and dying.  Simply they are amazing people male or female.  Two years ago I myself considered nursing since I basically was a nurse to my dying grandfather.  Here again is the typical stereotyping.  A caring, warm, nurturing male is basically considered a woman in his book.  Disagreeing, an argument ensued. My response was "wow...   you must think I am a total woman since I work with plants." He disagreed, probably because I am his friend.  Nothing was accomplished, he believes what he believes. 

 

     I find in the gay community it is the same.  If you are a "top" you are considered masculine.  If you are a "bottom" you are considered a fem.  I see it constantly in the chat rooms and among my friends.  "Oh she's a big old bottom".  "Oh, he only tops."  "I'm a man, I'm no bottom".  I used to feel the same.  Now I find that such stereotypes in the gay world are simply a microcosm of bigotry.  I consider myself "vers".  Wow does that fuck up the concept of masculinity.  A "vers" is a man who takes and receives.

 

     As gay men period most of society see us as less than men. It is just a stereotype.  A form of bigotry used to make others feel better about themselves.  I am just as guilty as the next person of bigotries.  It takes time to overcome things that you have ingrained in you since birth.  This is a work in progress for me.  I think it is funny that the microcosm of the gay community further dissects the class into masculine and feminine roles.

 

I see in the chat rooms guys asking for advice on personal matters.  As I have observed, this is seen as a sign of weakness or derangement.  I have seen guys come in asking for advice on sex, advice on relationships, advice on various topics.  When someone comes in most of the time they are mocked (either publicly or privately).  It is really sad.  As a "community" (note the  " "), who is already shunned and harassed by the mainstream, we should be more supportive of people trying to find themselves or simply reaching out.  It sickens me to see people publicly mocked to their faces or hear mocking a day or two later behind their backs.  I used to ignore such pleas for help to those reaching out.  Now I see them as kindred spirits.  People trying to understand something about themselves.

 

     Within the last 2 years or so, when I see someone reaching out I try to reach back.  If I have something comforting to offer I offer it.  If I have advice I give it. I have been privated by friends asking why I am even bothering, why waste my time.  My usual response is "remember when you asked me..."  or "remember when I needed...".

 

     In the definition above I put the word appropriate in bold.   Simply every individual places certain characteristics as appropriate to be masculine.  There are as many personal definitions of masculine as there are people.  Has is come to a point where masculinity in the gay world  has become a fetish?  Is masculinity based upon personal preference?  Do men who consider themselves masculine ("butch") have a fetish towards men who are similarly masculine, or the opposite,  men who are feminine?

     I guess here I am reaching out for answers.