NEVER ALONE

          Gotta love what a day can do.  Yesterday was beautiful and bright and relatively dry.  This morning I was awakened to bright flashes of lightning.  Very beautiful in and of themselves.  Thunder seems to be soothing to me, unless it sounds like s 747 crashing into my neighbors house.  Rain ensued.  I live across from a small creek (stream to those who are not from this area).  I know that when it rains a lot the creek gets high and my back yard becomes a temporary lake.

          I walked around the yard and took some pictures.  The Skunk Cabbage from yesterday looks so sad sitting in the middle of a puddle.  All alone.  Made me think how one day you can feel like the center of the universe and the next feel completely alone.  I feel for the little lone Skunk Cabbage plant.  Just sitting all alone in the bleak brownness of the late Winter landscape.  Now it is surrounded by water. 

          I can feel very alone at times.  I can be in  a crowded mall and feel totally alone and alienated. I can be in a bar conversing with people and still feel alone.  Conversely I can feel totally surrounded with only one or two people around.  I try to hold on to the knowledge that like the cabbage flower the water will abate, and other plants will begin to fill in around it.  It is just an early bloomer and will soon have plenty of company.  With my help it will not be overcrowded by weeds.  With a little hope, and a little kindness and understanding from others,  we should all realize we are never alone.

LOOK PAST THE NEGATIVE

          After the winter I look so forward to spring.  When everything becomes green again and life returns to the barren landscape.  For years I equated Spring with Crocus and Tulip bulbs finally popping out of the ground.  I took a walk around and found the tine tips of Narcissus, Tulips, and Crocus everywhere.  Always an amazing thing after such dark times.

           With the advent of my Wildflower Garden coming into growth I always spend time just sitting in the bleak browns and whites of the end of winter.  Nest to my rock is a plant 99% of people would never have in a garden.  Symplocarpus foetidus   aka.  Skunk Cabbage.   I know, I've heard it all before.  WTF is that doing in your garden.

 
          The first reason is that is is a pretty native foliage plant that does well in wet and shade.  The second reason is that the smell deters deer from entering that area of my garden.  The smell is only bad when there is a huge concentration of plants, I only have 4-5.  The last reason it that it is in fact the first plant to flower in the Spring....   actually in the late Winter.  This plant is in full flower now in February.  It actually produced the flower buds in December and slowly grew until they are now in blossom.  Most consider this a noxious weed to be destroyed, but it is a beautiful manifestation of life.  How many times do we only look at the bad aspects of someone or something without considering the good.  This is the true signal that spring has sprung.

    

LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

          I went to the Waterfront to see "Unknown" with Mike.  I was very early so I went to Borders and looked at books on Buddhism and meditation.  Seems, as I thought I've been meditating for most of my life and never realized.  Now I am more focused and conscious of what I am doing.  It used to be an accidental act of self preservation.  Now it is a purposeful act of  relaxation, centering, and...  still sometimes self preservation.

        Mike called and we got out tickets.  We were still very early so we walked around window shopping. It was fun walking into King's Jewelers and walking up to the jewelry section in Macy's.  The looks we got were just precious.  The fact that it was me who wanted to go in is a semi-breakthrough.  Sort of the flaunt the gay thing.  Making myself visible.  Who knows maybe I will not shun PRIDE this year.  (I need a lot of support to venture out to PRIDE...   hint....   hint.  We spent some time at Border's looking for the gay section which seems to have disappeared from most of them.  Learning what books someone picks up to peruse is a decent way to learn more about them.

          The movie (Unknown) was great.  Kind of a typical Liam Neeson great performance.  Nice twist ending per usual.  We plann to see a sci fi movie later in March (Battleground LA or something like that).  One of my pet peeves is parents who bring young children to movies who wail and cry.  I don't understand the concept of taking a < 1 year old child to a movie they will not remember.  I guess when (if) I become a parent I will understand.  At least the couple took turns taking the child out of the movie.  Even after this I can see myself as a dad/mom.

        After the movie Mike and I went to his friend's Chris and Barry ...  errrr...  Gary (ROFL) for dinner.  fresh organic green beans, salad, vegetables, pork medallions in an onion and cherry reduction.  I was ecstatic to help cook when a few more guests arrived.  Desert was fresh pear with blue cheese and drizzled with honey.  The flavors were amazing together.  I also brought my home made coconut encrusted chocolate truffles.  If I am lucky enough to be invited back I will take my white chocolate anise truffles.

         While the onion and cherry sauce was reducing we sat around and talked.  Just chit chat.  It was a very relaxed night with new people I would like to get to know better.  Oh, and wine.  I don't drink wine, but I partook.  Very nice red wine and an amazing dessert wine from Erie.  I spent much of the time smelling the wines.  One red was typical sour grape smelling, the other had a mustiness that actually reminded me of my yard a bit.  I just took in the fragrance and realized I was sitting in my garden.  Sitting in the bed of Trillium from last year.   The whole night was just amazing.  It was really fun to watch Mike's face turn beet red from time to time when I said something dirty or when his friends said something funny.  I guess he is not nearly as shameless as I am since I don't embarrass easily.

          I watched the dynamics of Chris's and Gary's partnership.  They were so cute together.  Matched with the fake hostileness saved for company.  I think there were both terrified of me at first, but after about 20 minutes we calmed down and joked freely.  These are the types of events I attended in my late 20's and early 30's.  Dinner with friends and friends of friends.  When I moved back almost everyone i knew had left.  I missed these interactions deeply.

          I pulled the "STAR" card the night before.  The interpretation of the card is something like "the light at the end of the tunnel, promise of a bright future."  I've been in a spiritual and functional tunnel for a few years.  Like the song I'M COMING OUT OF THE DARK.

BE PREPARED / PLANTING FOR THE FUTURE

          Today has been a good day.  I started the 1st coat of paint in the 1/2 bath.   After trimming and being about 2/3 done, the color was not right.  So, off to the paint store.  I trimmed again and ended up painting a part of the base board where the tape came loose.  The plaster job and the caulking I did looks so much better than I expected. Then again I think everything I do is sub-par.  Yet another thing I need to work on.

          The 6-7" of snow we got has now melted to about 1".  The melt water has filled the back yard to about 12".  I have a frozen pond now.  With more rain expected, flooding is a possibility.  Nothing like the 2004 hurricane Ivan flooding where I lost 90% of my orchids and about $25,000 in sales plants.  This will likely be the Creek across the road overflowing the road a bit and some surface water in the basement.  Living in the country in the flood plain of a small stream, I am prepared.

          I realize being prepared in life is like preparing the soil for planting.  When I planted the 200 Trillium last week I needed to think ahead.  Each species has their own requirements.  Some like acid soil, some alkaline.  Some like clay, some like loam.  For each plant I needed to plan ahead where they would go on the property and how I would amend the soil.  Several months ago before purchasing them I took pictures of the area and drew up a plan.

          Some needed calcium, which meant the addition of egg shells and limestone.  Others needed more acidic soils and were placed under Hemlock with leaf mulch and mushroom manure.  Others required little preparation and were placed in the heavy clay rocky soil with a bit of leaf humus.

         This spring I look forward to my blooming garden.  Over 350-400 Trillium from 14-15 species, Violets from 5-6 species, Virginia Blue Bells, Dutchman's Breeches, Lady slipper Orchids, dozens of different ferns.  All of these and so many more will knit together to make my garden a place of peace and contentment.  Of course I have been planning this garden for over 35 years.  I am already planning for more summer and fall additions for next year.

         I've been spending my money like I'm on my bucket list.  2 Cruises in one year, and hundreds upon hundreds in my garden.  I have always been planning for the future.  Knowing I will likely be without a family and alone.  Things got out of hand a bit the last couple years.  Investing in my mental health I have called it.  I needed to spend virtually every dollar I did (sans going out to the bars this past fall).  We all have our things we do to make us sane.  Mine is planting in my garden or tending to my houseplants.  The cruises were relaxing and without the one in March I likely would have committed a homicide or otherwise gone crazy from the stalker.  The October cruise was just an extravagance.  Especially since the first week didn't happen due to a certain air line being 4 hours late.  I will be more closely paying attention to my spur of the moment spending sprees.  Time to plan for my future.  Time to start preparing for my tomorrow.  Hopefully with a good person next to me.

DAMAGES

          It's been many years since I realized how damaged some people are.   I know people who need to be the center of attention all the time.  I know people who need to be known as the best and most knowledgeable in their areas of interest (even when they are not).  People who are hypochondriacs.  People who constantly need to bitch about something.  People who always need to voice their opinions.   Everyone is damaged in some way.  It's not just the gay community, but the "community" has special problems.

          The gay world is beget of a special type of damage...   intolerance.  It seems our very existence is always under fire.  Families disowning children and members because they are gay.  Friends walking away when someone comes out as gay.  Churches protesting the war in Iraq with hate spewed at gays.  The constant fight for equal rights.  The constant fight against gay marriage.  Everything that makes gay people feel belittled.

          I remember being a child and knowing things with me were "not right".  I knew I was different.  Growing up I realized that if I did not hunt, fish, or have and interest in sports, simply I was not normal.  My gravitation to plants and flowering things was seen as "gay".  My being emotional and caring was seen as "gay". 

          I slowly retreated into myself and my garden.  I slowly repressed everything that made me what I was.  I realize now how damaged I am today from the feelings of not being "right".  A lot of this intolerance was shoved on me and as a result I became a homophobe.  I have learned over the last 35 years to suppress and repress so much that I feel crippled.  I feel that I am not the person I was meant to be. 

          I think to an extent most gay people feel this way.  I know of quite a few who have retreated into alcohol, drugs, promiscuous sex, dangerous unprotected sex, and other addictions.  All of these may stem from childhood intolerance and internalized homophobia.  I find being around certain types of gay people is uncomfortable.  I freak at the though of going to Gay Pride.  I find myself shunning anything that may be considered gay, such as movies.  At the age of 34 I finally watched "Rocky Horror Picture Show".  At the age of 34 I watched "Queer as Folk"  for the first time.  At the age of 35 I watched "Brokeback Mountain" alone in my apartment and cried for hours.  At 36 I finally opened up to Logo and the many gay movies and movie shorts they have.

         I have had the heated "discussions" with my mother about gay marriage.  She is outwardly against it. It is so surprising to me, at ages 38-40, how hurtful her negativity towards something I hold so dear can be.  Our first "discussion" sent me into a depression and anxiety filled rage.  I just could not understand how she could not support her only remaining son.  However I should not have been surprised, it was only the last of many such disappointments by my family.

        Knowing how hard this struck me now, I wonder what would have become of me if I came out at age 15 instead of 23.  I can only imagine the sadness, anxiety, horror, and depression someone that young would feel to have a parent (or parents) be so intolerant of their child.  Intolerance is not always obvious.  Intolerance is not always a pointed sword.  Intolerance is not always directed.  Intolerance is quite often ignorance.

         At age 40, I realize  I am that I am.  Certain things that happened in my life have changed the person I was going to be.  I feel that I should be somewhere else in my life.  When I feel like this it is hard to break out of this nebula.  Looking back at some of these times, I wonder how I survived at various points.  I had no support as a gay man, from anyone.  I see myself as a survivor.  I am a wonderful person.  I have a great heart and am capable of immense love.  I am caring and empathic.  I have to hold onto the fact that I am alive.  By my being alive I touched other lives that otherwise would not have known caring, or love, or friendship at a time of need.  Like ripples on a pond, they all touch at at least one point.

REFUGES

          It was about a year ago today that I booked a last minute cruise.  The "Getting away from a stalker" cruise, if  I remember the title correctly.  Amazing how much emotions I put into a dirt bag from online.  Someone I (most likely) never met and probably never will meet.  None-the-less I could have called it the "getting away from the snowmageddon" cruise, or the "needs to see the sun and green things" cruise.

          The beginning of last year was horrible.  I was literally gray and anemic.  Blood tests, CAT scans and MRIs...    Oh my!!!  It is amazing how much anxiety and stress can effect a person.  I sent the full log of harassing emails, chats, and public rants to a friend, then deleted them from my hard drive.  I took copies of all of this with me.  I took them and rolled them up in  a tight tube and dropped them over the side of the ship about half way between Cuba and Honduras.  Sort of a symbolic way of dumping some baggage overboard.  Amazing how such a seemingly small thing freed me from that baggage.

          A year later I am relatively health.  I have lost some leaves over the winter but look forward to a new flush this spring.  I managed to plant 200 Trillium during last weeks warm up where it was 65 degrees. I was in shorts and a tank top!!!!    However now there is 6" of snow again.  1-3", 3-5", 3-6"  actually awakened to 8", but 2" have melted.  Last year it was 10" that turned into 3'.  A certain hot weather man owes me at least 2 or 3 good nights of steamy hot sex.  Add in a certain hot sports caster and I can die a happy man.  If one married me, I would probably ascend to a higher plane of existence.

         This March I look forward to the Orchid Show in Shadyside.  Phipps "Tropical Bonsai and Orchid Show" has been beautiful.  Over the winter months I have spent almost every Tuesday at Phipps.  It is relaxing.  The warm and humid air is suffused with various fragrances and scents of leaf mold and earth.  I take my time and enjoy everything I see.  I sit down and just veg out.  I let my mind wonder away from the bad things in my life and drift around the real world.  Early afternoon is the best time.  There are fewer people about and I can just sit on one of the benches or on a wall and soak up the life around me.

           My yard has always been a refuge for me.  A places I would go to get away from life, anxiety, and stress.   My need for such places has grown.  As life becomes more crazy and unpredictable it has become necessary for me to locate other such refuges.  When in Central Pennsylvania, I hiked a lot in summer.  I got to know some of the trees and plants almost personally (no not that way).  Now that I am back home, I have my yard again, but I miss the earthiness in the winter.  That is when I found Phipps Conservatory.  Phipps is my substitute refuge when my garden is buried under the snow for it's long winter hibernation.  It is there waiting and in the spring jumps out with a huge HUG, and occasionally a grope.

    I wish there was a BIG GAY AL REFUGE somewhere.  A safe place where I could go from time to time just to be me.  Open up to my inner gay that I have suppressed.  This is one aspect of my life in which I am lacking.  Bars, clubs, bingo, chat lines just do not do anything anymore.  I get my fix of catty and campy, but I am not myself.  Always guarded against yet another psycho.  But that is just an excuse for being repressed.

        

ACCOMPLISHMENTS

Accomplishment:  (according to Websters)

1:  the act of accomplishing : completion

2:  something that has been accomplished : achievement

3a: a quality or ability equipping one for society 

3b : a special skill or ability acquired by training or practic

 

 

 

          When I think of accomplishments I think of things I have "done", tasks I completed.  For instance I accomplished removal of bubbling plaster and drywall around the 1/2 bath shower.  I accomplished repairing said drywall.  I accomplished caulking the edges of said drywall.  I accomplished spackling and re-spackling the dry wall.  I will accomplish painting the entire 1/2 bath.  

         

          Rarely do I think of my abilities or qualities.  I have the ability to nurture and cultivate most things green.  I have the ability to understand plant phylogenetics.  I have the ability to understand a lot about cosmology (not cosmetology...  lol).  I have the ability to understand the most recent theories of how life began on this planet and perhaps other planets and moons.  I have the ability to read on a very high level.  I have the ability to communicate my ideas on virtually every level.  

         When I think of my qualities...  I am empathic.  I am in possession of a wonderful soul worthy of knowing.  I am capable of immense compassion.   I am loyal to my friends and family (as it may be).  I am monogamous in relationships.  I am capable of great love and passion.  I am very intelligent.  I am good looking.

         It is hard to focus on more than the physical most times.  I tend to concentrate on what I have "done".  While it is true that in the end a human is defined by the log of works he/she has left behind.  It is also important to remember that a human is defined by actions.  These actions are the result of the acquired abilities and innate qualities that make up the whole in all of us.  Focusing on my individual positive qualities and abilities brings peace in some of the most troubling times.

 

       While focusing on the positives it also has become a part of me to remind myself of the negative qualities and to do my best to suppress or change these in myself.  I strive and have always strived to become a better person.  I strive to better interrelate with others in my life.  I strive to be more understanding of others.  I strive to overcome my depression and anxiety.  I strive to grow and cultivate plants better.  I strive to find a better job and to become a success in my financial world.

 

Nuff Said!!!

Only hear this once or twice...   I think it will grow on me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJWsdpMTq6Q

PERSONAL MONSTERS

          Finally I obtained enough peace to meditate and sleep.  This being just in time for me to be centered enough to commence with my duties at the Orchid Society today.

         Yesterday was a total bust.   Well, in my mind it was.  Last night I felt like I accomplished nothing.  As I sat and meditated, it came to me that not all days are full of great accomplishments.  Not every famous genius had a discovery every day. Not even Buddha, Jesus, or Mohamed  had every day met with enlightenment and fulfillment.  Not every day is a good one. 

        So, last night my center self set out to concentrate on the things I have accomplished.  A BS in biology/botany, 3 Phragmipedium hybrids that I named, 14 articles on orchids published on 4 continents, good friends, my gardens and orchids,  reaching out to people in need or pain.  It also came to mind that I planted 200 Trillium plants in the previous 2 days...   sans sleep or meditation.  These and more flashed through my head like an old grainy 1930's film.

     After some time I became relaxed and anxiety, fatigue, and stress left me.  I found myself  visualizing nature, my garden, the many hikes I've taken over the years, several of the orchid populations I have found in Central PA, and flashes of what my garden will look like this year.  The centered self knows!!!

          It was not a perfect night at all.  I had some odd (nightmarish) dreams.  The ones that really are not nightmares, but just irk you for some reason.  It's not so much the visuals, but what the visuals mean to your sub-conscience and conscience.  I remember years in the past having a dream of a cartoon meadow full of flowers and fuzzy cartoon bunnies.  I awakened terrified.  I thought WTF???


        After this experience the thought of personal monsters came to me.  We all have them.  The deeply buried things that we want to keep buried.  The things so bad we fear the repressing them is the only way to stay functional and sane.  Repression in my life is what has made me sick.  (Plus other genetically predisposed medical conditions).  Repression of thoughts, desires, hopes, love, anger, sadness, and loneliness cripples.  I have seen this kill in the past.  I have seen this cripple in the present.  I know this will do both of these in the future.  Confronting repression (= personal demons) is necessary to become the person I should have become.  Baggage keeps all of us from becoming the perfect persons and "Shinny Happy People" we were meant to become.

          When personal demons seem larger than life. Monsters must be faced, identified, and fought in order to be free. Admitting such things exist may be all the knowledge needed to escape. As in frightening dreams, if fears and frightening projections are not confronted, they may overwhelm and destroy you.      

          Trapped in a dark nightmare personal demons, repressed hurts, repressed feelings, and childhood fears dance freely. A lonesome place far from comfort and succor.   Shadows of pain, suffering, depression, guilt, and Karma abound. Escape comes from opening your eyes to awaken to the reality bothering you. Confront these in the broad daylight. False friends and reputations may be lost. But this is the progress to a better whole self.

MUSIC THAT STIRS ME

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiKVjS3gR88

This was one of my first favorite gay songs.  " If I should falter...   would you open your arms up to me???  What religion or reason would drive a man to forsake his lover??    Oh baby pleeeeeease...  Give a little respect toooo meeee..."  Just very powerful to me.  This still brings up very powerful emotions in me.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AY88BQZWos

We have all felt that "love to hate you" feeling.  The love center of the brain is right next to that that makes us feel hate. Obsession is the region between these, love with a touch of hate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JARax3VTPdQ

Who has not felt like this?  Who has not loved only to have it end?  Unrequited love is the hardest.  Loving someone who doesn't know or who simply refuses to acknowledge.  Felling in love can be so powerful and amazing.  It is best to realize that relationships reflect your inner balance.  Be aware of what is attracting you away form who, what, and where you are now.  Be sure this attraction does not represent the dissatisfaction you have in yourself.  We are all broken people.  We all have baggage.  Can anyone really expect someone to fix them?  Certain NEEDS must be met.  Compromise is necessary for growth by both individuals.  Love is both individuals permitting each other to grow together into a new whole.



"Looking for you,  you were looking form me.   Reaching for you you were too blind to see.  Oh love of my heart why leave me alone?  I'm falling apart.  No good on my own. Oh L'Amour, broke my heart now I'm aching for you...  What's a boy in love supposed to do"

Rock of Foundations

REASON FOR THIS BLOG:

        The last 3 nights I have been unable to meditate.  Sleep has been impossible because of the running thoughts in my head. Nothing specific, just a muddling of everything.  Anxiety, stress, worry, anger, sadness, depression.  All the negative things in life.  When I meditate, really profound things come to me, and I will write them down.  Realizations about my life, lie in general, the human condition, or the Universe as a whole.  Recently I began to share these on facebook.  I've been contacted by new friends saying they never thought I was so profound.  I've been contacted by old friends saying "It's about fucking time you opened up and shared this with the rest of the world."  I guess I always thought such thoughts were crazy and people didn't want to hear them.  HUGS AN KISSES to my friends.

        I'm starting this blog oddly enough because I came upon the blog of a person I considered a hateful C**T.  In this blog I came to realize that his journey and struggles with life were similar to mine.  After only reading the most recent post, it seemed to touch me in a way that made me want to open up about my life.  This blog is a way for my to acknowledge and confront my baggage.  It is also a way for me to be more aware of the amazing things in my life and the amazing things I've done and of which I am capable.

         After several months of harassment and stalking last year I went into serious decline.  The experience has really left me very paranoid about people.  In essence I am scarred.  I came to realize in the summer that I can add this is a piece of baggage to my U-Haul of life.  I now find it hard to trust new people.  In the back of my head I think "This may actually be the person who was harassing me (us ???)  last year."  I know, very paranoid and not rational, but this is the state of being currently.  I'm sure this will change, but...

IN THE BEGINNING:

          Strangely meditation has been a good outlet for me for the past 6-7 years. (I can not believe it has been that long!!!)  Sometimes I fail, but when it works it is comforting.  However it has been a part of my life since I was about 13 or 14.  At an early age I became very connected to the natural world and plants in general.  From mosses, to club mosses, to ferns, to any flowering plant, I was connected.  I created a garden in the back yard in a corner where my grandfather had no interests (more on the grandfather later, I'm sure) and so I had my own space.  The garden started as a patch of flat land, in a wet corner of the yard between the two adjoining properties, as a way to protect a colony of Onoclea sensibilis (Sensitive Fern).  After several attempts to convince my grandfather not to mow them down (and failing), I simply placed a brick boarder around them and weeded the grass from around them.  This was the beginning of a really beautiful thing.

          Over the years the "Zen Wildflower Garden" has grown from a 6 square feet) to an area 250 feet by (probably) 750 feet.  The garden consists of a short flat area at the back of the property which then ascends to a wooded hillside at about a 25 degree angle.  The wooded setting has been amazing for me with my connection to the real world.  Many plants native to the property have been cultivated and nurtured for over 30 years.  Many additional plants have been added as well from collecting trips, trading plants with friends, or purchasing.  Early on a large, smooth, flat, rounded rock became central.  It was a good place to sit.  Looking back I realize I was sitting on this rock and meditating.  Crossed legged, I would sit and just drum out the world.  Listening to the air, birds, leaves rustling.  Smelling the leaf mold, floral fragrances, and earthiness about me.

          I realize now that the cultivation and nurturing of this garden is the only thing that kept me from complete self destruction.  The act of taking a digger and transplanting a fern or other plant was cathartic.  It closed of my negative self and opened me to a positive self.  Watching things grow and thrive was very cathartic.  (Yes, I will probably use cathartic a lot.) 

          This was my first inkling that I was a part of the natural world.  I watched plants grow. I watched plants be consumed by insects.  I watched birds eat the insects.  I watched bird dung dissolve on the ground.  I watched plants grow, flourish, blossom, then die in the late fall.  I watched fallen, moldy, brown leaves become the soil.

 

        Orchids became a part of my life the March of my 13th year.  Not realizing it at the time, but this was a way to bring my garden inside.  This became my green haven for the dark, cold, gray winter.  My garden and orchids became my haven through high school bullying and general nonacceptance of me by my grandfather and brother.  Early on I realized I was attracted to boys and not girls.  I think my own personal fears made me an easy target.

          This is my first baggage.  The repressed desires of a child wanting to be accepted by family and peers.  (This never really happened until a few years ago.) Grade school and high school were marred by my increased supression of my wants, needs, and desires. 

LATER FORMATIVE YEARS:

          I survived high school and made it to college in 1988.  I joined a fraternity thinking this is the way to go.  After two years at Washington & Jefferson I transferred to Penn State.  One year at the local campus and I was off to University Park.  While there I re-affiliated with my fraternity. 

          After a year of drunken times and some studying, I became close enough to a few people to come out as "bi".  Oddly enough my 2 closest friends at the time also came out to me.  I felt amazing.  I was validated.  I became gay overnight and soon lost touch of my studying.  I dropped out of school to major in being gay.  I soon started going to the local gay bar (gay only on Sundays). This is where I met Garren.  Garren is the source for my second installment of major baggage.

GARREN:

          Garren was the first man with which I was intimate.  I was 23.  I had learned growing up that intimacy meant love and so I fell in love with him.  After a short time I had him move in with me at the fraternity.  He took me to visit his mother and father.  He took me to a family picnic.  I felt I had found my mate.

        Short story long, Garren was not interested in being tied down.  After a short time of him coming and going drunk and disappearing I asked him to leave.  For over a year we ran into each other constantly at the gay clubs (there were now 3 I was aware of).  I pined for the intimacy I had with him.  Intimacy in this case being sex to him.

         He resurfaced about a year after I met him.  He called out of the blue (it was a Tuesday).  He came over and we talked for hours.  He opened up about some of his baggage from his past.  Long story short after this I thought we were getting back together.  I called him a few days later and he told me, "Oh no, I have a bf.", even though he told me this person broke up with him.  Crushed, I did what I always did then, moped and sulked.  A week to the day later he called me crying, depressed, desperate, and very drunk.  I called a friend to get a ride to his place because I knew "this would not end well".  I called him back and he was on the phone with his "bf".  He called back and we talked.  Actually I talked and he blubbered.  The last thing I remember telling him was "I love you.  Please Garren, I love you." 

         Then I heard the shot.  It must have been only a minute, but it felt like a lifetime, but the phone went dead.  I called back and his father picked up.  I asked if I could speak to Garren and he said "Garren shot himself, we think he's dead".  I died inside.  I lost it.  I cried like I never did before.  Then my friend knocked at the door.  I told here what happened and we headed to his house.  As we drove up the paramedics were bringing out his body.  I sat inside talking to his mother as the paramedics rushed around.

          The next day two other female friends arrived to stay with me.  They thought a good way to deal with this was to get drunk.  I sat in a straight bar crying my eyes out with my tow friends.  Looking back not one person in the bar stared at me or otherwise was freaked by this big, strong, good looking man blubbering like an idiot.  We went back to my apartment.  After some time, the full force of the experience hit me.  I would never see Garren again.  I took a butcher knife to my chest.  One of my friends stopped me in time and I was off to the funny farm.  Nuff about the chronology  for now...

REALIZATIONS AND REVELATIONS:

          I look back and realize that Garren was very disturbed.  Sadly, if I met him now I probably wouldn't even talk to him because he was so drunk and so obviously on a path to destruction.  This hurts me because, for years I thought I should have been able to say something to save him, because I loved him.  However I realize now (how cold does this sound) that it was a learning experience.  I learned that sex does not = love to everyone.  I learned that joy must be cherished while it happens because it can turn into horror in a split second.  I learned that baggage can kill if not dealt with properly.  I learned that life is precious and once taken can never be replaced.

          This was my second inkling that I was a part of the natural world.  That life is a circle.  Life is born, lives, endures, then dies.  It is important to not take life for granted.  Everyone is a part of the bigger whole.  Everyone has an impact.  Garren impacted my life in a tragic way.  I impacted his by loving him, giving him compassion and empathy, and by easing his passage onto the next stage of existence.  The last thing he heard was "I love you.  Please Garren, I love you."  With that I take great solace.  His last words were of unconditional love.