PERSONAL MONSTERS

          Finally I obtained enough peace to meditate and sleep.  This being just in time for me to be centered enough to commence with my duties at the Orchid Society today.

         Yesterday was a total bust.   Well, in my mind it was.  Last night I felt like I accomplished nothing.  As I sat and meditated, it came to me that not all days are full of great accomplishments.  Not every famous genius had a discovery every day. Not even Buddha, Jesus, or Mohamed  had every day met with enlightenment and fulfillment.  Not every day is a good one. 

        So, last night my center self set out to concentrate on the things I have accomplished.  A BS in biology/botany, 3 Phragmipedium hybrids that I named, 14 articles on orchids published on 4 continents, good friends, my gardens and orchids,  reaching out to people in need or pain.  It also came to mind that I planted 200 Trillium plants in the previous 2 days...   sans sleep or meditation.  These and more flashed through my head like an old grainy 1930's film.

     After some time I became relaxed and anxiety, fatigue, and stress left me.  I found myself  visualizing nature, my garden, the many hikes I've taken over the years, several of the orchid populations I have found in Central PA, and flashes of what my garden will look like this year.  The centered self knows!!!

          It was not a perfect night at all.  I had some odd (nightmarish) dreams.  The ones that really are not nightmares, but just irk you for some reason.  It's not so much the visuals, but what the visuals mean to your sub-conscience and conscience.  I remember years in the past having a dream of a cartoon meadow full of flowers and fuzzy cartoon bunnies.  I awakened terrified.  I thought WTF???


        After this experience the thought of personal monsters came to me.  We all have them.  The deeply buried things that we want to keep buried.  The things so bad we fear the repressing them is the only way to stay functional and sane.  Repression in my life is what has made me sick.  (Plus other genetically predisposed medical conditions).  Repression of thoughts, desires, hopes, love, anger, sadness, and loneliness cripples.  I have seen this kill in the past.  I have seen this cripple in the present.  I know this will do both of these in the future.  Confronting repression (= personal demons) is necessary to become the person I should have become.  Baggage keeps all of us from becoming the perfect persons and "Shinny Happy People" we were meant to become.

          When personal demons seem larger than life. Monsters must be faced, identified, and fought in order to be free. Admitting such things exist may be all the knowledge needed to escape. As in frightening dreams, if fears and frightening projections are not confronted, they may overwhelm and destroy you.      

          Trapped in a dark nightmare personal demons, repressed hurts, repressed feelings, and childhood fears dance freely. A lonesome place far from comfort and succor.   Shadows of pain, suffering, depression, guilt, and Karma abound. Escape comes from opening your eyes to awaken to the reality bothering you. Confront these in the broad daylight. False friends and reputations may be lost. But this is the progress to a better whole self.