The beginning of last year was horrible. I was literally gray and anemic. Blood tests, CAT scans and MRIs... Oh my!!! It is amazing how much anxiety and stress can effect a person. I sent the full log of harassing emails, chats, and public rants to a friend, then deleted them from my hard drive. I took copies of all of this with me. I took them and rolled them up in a tight tube and dropped them over the side of the ship about half way between Cuba and Honduras. Sort of a symbolic way of dumping some baggage overboard. Amazing how such a seemingly small thing freed me from that baggage.
A year later I am relatively health. I have lost some leaves over the winter but look forward to a new flush this spring. I managed to plant 200 Trillium during last weeks warm up where it was 65 degrees. I was in shorts and a tank top!!!! However now there is 6" of snow again. 1-3", 3-5", 3-6" actually awakened to 8", but 2" have melted. Last year it was 10" that turned into 3'. A certain hot weather man owes me at least 2 or 3 good nights of steamy hot sex. Add in a certain hot sports caster and I can die a happy man. If one married me, I would probably ascend to a higher plane of existence.
This March I look forward to the Orchid Show in Shadyside. Phipps "Tropical Bonsai and Orchid Show" has been beautiful. Over the winter months I have spent almost every Tuesday at Phipps. It is relaxing. The warm and humid air is suffused with various fragrances and scents of leaf mold and earth. I take my time and enjoy everything I see. I sit down and just veg out. I let my mind wonder away from the bad things in my life and drift around the real world. Early afternoon is the best time. There are fewer people about and I can just sit on one of the benches or on a wall and soak up the life around me.
My yard has always been a refuge for me. A places I would go to get away from life, anxiety, and stress. My need for such places has grown. As life becomes more crazy and unpredictable it has become necessary for me to locate other such refuges. When in Central Pennsylvania, I hiked a lot in summer. I got to know some of the trees and plants almost personally (no not that way). Now that I am back home, I have my yard again, but I miss the earthiness in the winter. That is when I found Phipps Conservatory. Phipps is my substitute refuge when my garden is buried under the snow for it's long winter hibernation. It is there waiting and in the spring jumps out with a huge HUG, and occasionally a grope.
I wish there was a BIG GAY AL REFUGE somewhere. A safe place where I could go from time to time just to be me. Open up to my inner gay that I have suppressed. This is one aspect of my life in which I am lacking. Bars, clubs, bingo, chat lines just do not do anything anymore. I get my fix of catty and campy, but I am not myself. Always guarded against yet another psycho. But that is just an excuse for being repressed.
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