It's been many years since I realized how damaged some people are. I know people who need to be the center of attention all the time. I know people who need to be known as the best and most knowledgeable in their areas of interest (even when they are not). People who are hypochondriacs. People who constantly need to bitch about something. People who always need to voice their opinions. Everyone is damaged in some way. It's not just the gay community, but the "community" has special problems.
The gay world is beget of a special type of damage... intolerance. It seems our very existence is always under fire. Families disowning children and members because they are gay. Friends walking away when someone comes out as gay. Churches protesting the war in Iraq with hate spewed at gays. The constant fight for equal rights. The constant fight against gay marriage. Everything that makes gay people feel belittled.
I remember being a child and knowing things with me were "not right". I knew I was different. Growing up I realized that if I did not hunt, fish, or have and interest in sports, simply I was not normal. My gravitation to plants and flowering things was seen as "gay". My being emotional and caring was seen as "gay".
I slowly retreated into myself and my garden. I slowly repressed everything that made me what I was. I realize now how damaged I am today from the feelings of not being "right". A lot of this intolerance was shoved on me and as a result I became a homophobe. I have learned over the last 35 years to suppress and repress so much that I feel crippled. I feel that I am not the person I was meant to be.
I think to an extent most gay people feel this way. I know of quite a few who have retreated into alcohol, drugs, promiscuous sex, dangerous unprotected sex, and other addictions. All of these may stem from childhood intolerance and internalized homophobia. I find being around certain types of gay people is uncomfortable. I freak at the though of going to Gay Pride. I find myself shunning anything that may be considered gay, such as movies. At the age of 34 I finally watched "Rocky Horror Picture Show". At the age of 34 I watched "Queer as Folk" for the first time. At the age of 35 I watched "Brokeback Mountain" alone in my apartment and cried for hours. At 36 I finally opened up to Logo and the many gay movies and movie shorts they have.
I have had the heated "discussions" with my mother about gay marriage. She is outwardly against it. It is so surprising to me, at ages 38-40, how hurtful her negativity towards something I hold so dear can be. Our first "discussion" sent me into a depression and anxiety filled rage. I just could not understand how she could not support her only remaining son. However I should not have been surprised, it was only the last of many such disappointments by my family.
Knowing how hard this struck me now, I wonder what would have become of me if I came out at age 15 instead of 23. I can only imagine the sadness, anxiety, horror, and depression someone that young would feel to have a parent (or parents) be so intolerant of their child. Intolerance is not always obvious. Intolerance is not always a pointed sword. Intolerance is not always directed. Intolerance is quite often ignorance.
At age 40, I realize I am that I am. Certain things that happened in my life have changed the person I was going to be. I feel that I should be somewhere else in my life. When I feel like this it is hard to break out of this nebula. Looking back at some of these times, I wonder how I survived at various points. I had no support as a gay man, from anyone. I see myself as a survivor. I am a wonderful person. I have a great heart and am capable of immense love. I am caring and empathic. I have to hold onto the fact that I am alive. By my being alive I touched other lives that otherwise would not have known caring, or love, or friendship at a time of need. Like ripples on a pond, they all touch at at least one point.
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