A year ago I was in the tropical heat of the western Caribbean. This was a much needed respite from a year that seemed full of nothing but heartache, pain, harassment, anxiety, and towards the end depression and despair. Now, there is a frozen lake in my back yard where there is usually lawn and about 2" of snow on the ground. Still beats last year. When I left last year there was about 3' of snow left from various snow falls.
When I left I was pale and anemic. I was a totally broken man from the harassment I (and others) put up with online on various sites. It was crazy how much it affected me. While on the boat half way between Cuba and Honduras I went to my room and cried. An all encompassing cry. I just laid there sobbing into the pillow. Now I am a different person. Such nastiness is met with nothing but kindness and if it continues I just ignore it. No one will ever have such power over me again.
Other changes have happened to me over the years. In early 2008, I weighed nearly 250#. This was due to a medication I was taking. After being taken of the medication I began in earnest to lose the weight I gained. After one year I was down to 185-190#. This was an amazing transformation. However, I still did not feel any joy. I still look at myself in the mirror and see... blah. Just... blah. I know that I am good looking and in pretty good shape, but I just see... blah.
It is very hard for me to take a compliment. Almost painful for me to hear them. Why? Why is my self image so screwed up. Probably from a mentally, physically, and sexually abusive past. My mind realizes I am a pretty good looking guy and that I am more than worthy of a mate. My heart and soul are broken and I feel less than. This is something I have been working on for over 10 years. I have made strides.
I have always had an amazing grasp of what I want in a relationship. I want love, stability, commitment, things in common, security, safety. I have been very good at dodging potentially unhealthy relationships. Sans being slapped around once, abuse is not a problem with which I have a problem. My biggest problem is I am oblivious.
When I am interested in someone I become blind. I can never tell if they are interested in me. As a result I rarely initiate a hug, kiss, cuddle, or sex. In my heart I want to but I am afraid to be hurt or rejected. I put so much pressure on myself to be good that I forget sometime you need to be naughty and go out on a limb. I envy people who can initiate sex at the drop of a hat. I am a very strong person, but I guess I am looking for someone to take my hand and guide me through things for a bit. Guide me until I am comfortable.
I can be very dominant in a friendship type relationship. However in an intimate or sexual relationship I desire things to be 50/50. I like to start slow, become confident, and then just go crazy. Maybe this is part of my self image problem. For as long as I can remember I've felt that I do not fit in with other gay men because I long for stability, with one person. Hook ups leave me momentarily happy, but in the end I feel degraded. For a long time I have longed to be sexually liberated. This simply has not happened and I doubt it will at this age. I like the way I am. While part wants to be promiscuous, the other knows my inner SELF. Maybe this is because my heart and soul are searching rather than my body.
In the end my self image is based on rejections of the past and the fear of present rejection. I do put myself out in the world and have encountered people who catch my fancy. I have met people who think I am the cat's meow. It just never seems like it is enough. Friendships ensue. I have to wonder if it is my self image problem that holds me back. Do I feel worthy of the love of someone else? Do I think I am capable of loving someone in return? The answers to these questions are a very resounding YES. YES I am!!!! In my mind. However, in my heart and soul I am still subject to past baggage. I am unsure and insecure.
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