OVERABUNDANCE

          Thinking back a year I was miserable because I felt so unattractive.  I was 6' 1" 185#.  In gay terms I was obese.  I do not have a 6 pack and washboard stomach so I am fat and out of shape.  I do not wear the latest and most expensive clothes so I am trash.  WTF is up with the gay "community"?

          I never felt attractive at any point in my life.  I just don't see buying expensive clothes to try to cover up what I was given.  Then again my penchant to hike around nude never made me really care much about the wrapping paper I put on.  For years I thought my lack of a boyfriend / husband was because I was fat or ugly.  NO!!!  It was because I felt fat and ugly and was afraid to approach people or be myself.  The overtly butchness I tried to portray was too much for many.  This was fake anyhow.  Anyhow  crude and rude do not equate to masculine.  This I am learning and trying to change in myself.

         Now, a year later I find myself inundated with potential boyfriends.  Several very nice guys are vying for my attention.  Of course I thought I would be in my glory.  Of course I thought this would be fantastic.  Now I find myself afraid to go one step farther with any of them.  This over abundance of attention is very alien to me.  I need to accept myself and be happy accepting attention before I can go farther in any of these relationships.  My horoscope for 2011 said April was the beginning of something great for me that would culminate in a LTR around my birthday.  While I'm not an astrology buff, it is interesting that things so far this year are progressing like my horoscope said.  Maybe by my birthday this overwhelming overabundance will turn into a balanced, soul soothing, and long term relationship.