REGRETS

          Recently, I started thinking of my regrets.  The things I wish I had not done and the things I wish I had done in my life.  We all have them.  I have quite a few.  One or two have crippled me in the past. 

          The biggest regret that used to cripple me was the suicide of my first boyfriend.  For many years I felt there should have been something I could have done to stop him.  Took me years to realize he was on the road to destruction long before I met him.  I recently talked to two friends who had similar but totally different experiences.  One was in an abusive relationship.  One was in a relationship where there was little or no love left.  Both agree that the road to destruction began before either met their respective partners.  For the most part I spent my first few years paralyzed the few weeks before and after April 19th.  The last few years the date has come and gone without much thought.  This used to hurt me, but I know that this is the way of things.  Healing happens.  Pain goes away.  Memories fade.

          I am very lucky to still be young enough to do most of the things I regret not doing.  I have traveled a lot and want to travel more.  I want to be in a monogamous relationship.  Regardless how hopeless it feels sometimes, and how depressing it seems, I am still a catch and I know there is someone out there for me.  I want a child, or children.  I know there are guys out there who feel the same.  It seems lately I am finding more and more guys who feel the same way I do.

          I remember feeling that there was something wrong with me because I wanted monogamy and children.  It is funny looking back how I felt so messed up because I was gay.  I was playing a straight man but I was gay.  I was shunned, humiliated, bullied, and even beaten.  Then I entered the "gay community".  There I was made to feel there was something wrong with me because I voiced my want for a monogamous relationship and children.  I was told I would never meet anyone interested in settling down, that random sex was the gay way.

          I regret spending so much time and energy trying to change myself.  I thought that if I changed my mindset I could be straight.  That if I concentrated hard enough I could let go and be sexually liberated.  I spent so much time believing what I felt was wrong.  I spent so much time trying to change myself to conform to what I thought was the NORM.  But what is normal?  I realize now, not too late, that there is nothing wrong with my feelings.  Feelings are always right.  It is a part of me that can not be changed.  It is a part of me that should not be changed, because it is what makes me me.

          I find now that one of my biggest regrets is...   I regret having regrets over what seem now to be things I have no power to change.  TOTAL MIND FUCK...   LOL