Went out with my friend Joe last night. We always seem to have a blast regardless who (or what) is around. Started at 5801 in Shadyside. That lasted about 10 minutes before the smoke made me want to vomit. Then we went to Spin. We sat around and talked for a bit. I should say screamed back and forth because the music was too loud to actually talk. After about 15 minutes of ear drum bleeding noise we moved onto a coffee shop down the block. Crazy Mocha (????) it used to be Dancing Goats years ago.
Here we caught up since we have not seen each other since before Christmas. He told me about his vacation a few months back while I ate an over priced piece of chocolate cake that surely will add 3 years to my already long stay in purgatory. After about an hour or so, we went back to 5801. We walked in saw that the crowd had an average age of about 10 and left. We went to Spin and found the same so we left. He didn't want to go back to the Crazy Mocha we just left so we popped into my car and we drove to the Squirrel Hill Crazy Mocha. We sat around for about 15 minutes before we realized it was closing. We high tailed it out of there and I dropped him at his car in Shadyside.
It's funny how many people think we are a couple. We get along so well. We also have a relationship where we are total bitches to each other. Cutting and ripping on each other all the time. Especially when we are online. But I would do anything for him and vica versa. I've found that with my real friends we can judge when it is OK to be bitches and judge when it is time to sit down and be serious.
I realized last night on the way home how "done" I am with the bars / clubs. This has been a feeling I've had for years, since I was drugged / poisoned. This past fall I went out more between Sept - Dec. than I did in the past 10 years. I drank more in those months than the previous 10 years as well. I sit in a bar / club, usually by myself, and usually end up chatting with someone. In the mean time I feel so out of place and insecure. I realized that a drink in my hand was just a prop. Something to hold in my hand like a security blanket. Something to concentrate on so I don't feel so out of place or lonely.
I find myself wondering how many of the guys at the bar use similar security blankets. Alcohol. drugs, sex, etc.. I have several security blankets. Plants, orchids, my garden, painting etc.. Green things soothe me. Growing and nurturing things are very relaxing and calming to me. Painting is just another way to be creative. I breed orchids which I see as just another art form. When I am in a garden or holding a plant I find myself connected to nature to the greater WHOLE of the universe. I wonder what I would hold onto if I was not a botanista.
When I moved home from college (the 1st time) after Garren killed himself I had nothing. The garden was here but I was in no mental shape to care. I was 24 or 25 and I went out to the old Pegasus a lot. At that time I was searching for companionship and friendship. Booze was my security blanket. It was the social lubricant. After totaling 2 cars, and one boy friend, something snapped. After a year or two of this I realized something was not working so I retreated into myself. I stopped drinking. I started gardening again.
This is something I have done quite a few times when things got too out of control or things were to abusive to deal with. I just shut off and shut down and contemplated my navel. This most recently happened after the harassment / stalking deal last year. I put out thousands of dollars for a cruise and when I returned I deleted most of my online chat accounts and stopped going on gay.com for over 6 months.
At the orchid show I realized that orchids are a security blanket for me. When I feel a bit down I tend to buy a breeding/stock plant. Not always expensive, but a purchase non-the-less. It feels good to have something new. I do the same with my garden, buying new plants. There is something about planting that is just good for the soul. Not so much the planting as the anticipation of the plant growing and maturing over the next few years. About watching it flourish under my care. Now I see why some people (idiots ROFL) feel the need to buy expensive and new clothes.
I never got into the trendy clothes. I've always been practical. I wear decent stuff, but I do not feel the need to have the latest fads, trends, or expensive named crap on my back. When I was out last night I looked at the way these kids were dressed. Ridiculous!!! Mommy and daddy are obviously paying their bills. Looking back to last night, how many were utilizing the alcohol, drugs, clothes, sex, etc. security blankets. It's funny how I realize now that everyone is insecure and falls back to using their own personal security blankets.
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