LUST and LOVE

        I often ponder lust.  Love and lust are related but definitely not the same.  Lust is seeking and love is keeping.  In the animal kingdom males lust after females so they can pass on their genes.   Science has found in humans, that dopamine levels increase when an attractive potential mate is present.  Dopamine is the "feel good" hormone.  That is why I get that burst of "happy" when a hot guy walks past, talks to me, compliments me, or even better winks at me.  Lust is amazing, but can lead to other problems.

         I feel that lust in gay males is the main reason most gay relationships fail.  Gay men historically dealing with intolerance and persecution automatically seek an escape to the "feel good".  I feel that in the end most gay men choose to move from partner to partner because of the dopamine high they get from the chase.  Genetics research has shown recently that anxiety and lust are connected. 

         This seems to me to be a "cause" for such sexual promiscuity in gay men.  Most gay men exhibit anxiety due to non acceptance.  The result is looking to feel good about themselves.  This leads to alcohol abuse, drug abuse, sexual promiscuity, seeking unsafe and risky sex, and seeking sex in unsafe environments.

          Without the ability to marry gay men have no structure by which to lead their lives.  As a gay man I knew early that the permanence of a relationship would be based purely on the whims of myself and my partner.  I feel that most gay men simply stop trying and just give into the need to feel good.  Hook ups, for me, leave me feeling good for a fleeting time that in the end actually brings me down.  I seek a permanent bond with someone, and when the hook up is over I go back to my normal feelings of wanting and needing.  Biologically this is explained by the immediate release of high levels of dopamine during sex.  This is followed by a rapid drop later.  I feel this can lead to depression in some.

          Early in my coming out period I was more promiscuous.  Over several years I shied from this.  I just felt that I was different and that I wanted permanence in my life.  I have tried to be more sexually liberated in the past few years, because it seem to me that so many others who are are so much more happy.  I know sometimes I come off as judgmental towards those who are freer that I am.  This is not the case.   I find myself envious of people who are so liberated.  However, it is something that still alludes me.  In my heart of hearts I still hold so much hope that I will find someone with which I have a similar common need to bond with on a permanent basis.  In my heart and soul I feel that eventually I will find MISTER RIGHT and not mister right now.