MASCULINITY (FETISH?)

Masculinity is a strange thing that as a gay male I contemplate often. 

 

 Masculine as defined in an online dictionary:

1a : male  

b : having qualities appropriate to or usually associated with a man

2: of, relating to, or constituting the gender that ordinarily includes most words or grammatical forms referring 

     to males <masculine nouns>

3a : having or occurring in a stressed final syllable <masculine rhyme>

  b : having the final chord occurring on a strong beat <masculine cadence>

 

     Growing up, masculinity was judged by what you did and how you did things.  If you played sports (or if you sucked at playing at least watched them), hunted, fished, etc., you were masculine.  I learned that certain professions were masculine.  Such as being a coal miner, factory worker, police officer, a sports star, etc.  I also learned that if you were interested in plants (orchids etc.), gardening, caring for animals, etc. you were not masculine. Anything that had to do with physical labor and strength was/is considered masculine.  Anything dealing with nurturing or emotions is considered not masculine.

 

     I was emotional and nurturing as a child.  I nurtured plants.  I was emotional.  I expressed caring for others.  Needless to say this lead to bullying and abuse.  Typical of any male who does not conform to societies definition of masculine.

 

     Recently a  male friend of mine (name remaining nameless, but if he reads this I am sure he will know) gave me a list of professions that he considered gay. I was really dismayed to see that he felt nurses were among this group.  He considers male nurses to be all but women.  I was pissed.  Nurses care for the sick and dying.  Simply they are amazing people male or female.  Two years ago I myself considered nursing since I basically was a nurse to my dying grandfather.  Here again is the typical stereotyping.  A caring, warm, nurturing male is basically considered a woman in his book.  Disagreeing, an argument ensued. My response was "wow...   you must think I am a total woman since I work with plants." He disagreed, probably because I am his friend.  Nothing was accomplished, he believes what he believes. 

 

     I find in the gay community it is the same.  If you are a "top" you are considered masculine.  If you are a "bottom" you are considered a fem.  I see it constantly in the chat rooms and among my friends.  "Oh she's a big old bottom".  "Oh, he only tops."  "I'm a man, I'm no bottom".  I used to feel the same.  Now I find that such stereotypes in the gay world are simply a microcosm of bigotry.  I consider myself "vers".  Wow does that fuck up the concept of masculinity.  A "vers" is a man who takes and receives.

 

     As gay men period most of society see us as less than men. It is just a stereotype.  A form of bigotry used to make others feel better about themselves.  I am just as guilty as the next person of bigotries.  It takes time to overcome things that you have ingrained in you since birth.  This is a work in progress for me.  I think it is funny that the microcosm of the gay community further dissects the class into masculine and feminine roles.

 

I see in the chat rooms guys asking for advice on personal matters.  As I have observed, this is seen as a sign of weakness or derangement.  I have seen guys come in asking for advice on sex, advice on relationships, advice on various topics.  When someone comes in most of the time they are mocked (either publicly or privately).  It is really sad.  As a "community" (note the  " "), who is already shunned and harassed by the mainstream, we should be more supportive of people trying to find themselves or simply reaching out.  It sickens me to see people publicly mocked to their faces or hear mocking a day or two later behind their backs.  I used to ignore such pleas for help to those reaching out.  Now I see them as kindred spirits.  People trying to understand something about themselves.

 

     Within the last 2 years or so, when I see someone reaching out I try to reach back.  If I have something comforting to offer I offer it.  If I have advice I give it. I have been privated by friends asking why I am even bothering, why waste my time.  My usual response is "remember when you asked me..."  or "remember when I needed...".

 

     In the definition above I put the word appropriate in bold.   Simply every individual places certain characteristics as appropriate to be masculine.  There are as many personal definitions of masculine as there are people.  Has is come to a point where masculinity in the gay world  has become a fetish?  Is masculinity based upon personal preference?  Do men who consider themselves masculine ("butch") have a fetish towards men who are similarly masculine, or the opposite,  men who are feminine?

     I guess here I am reaching out for answers. 

HIKING : DIVERSITY

          On several recent hikes I found myself concentrating on the diversity of plants, animals, and environments.  While it seems animals for the most part are to fast for me to photograph while actively hiking, plants and environments are easy.  I see myriads of birds (Robin, Wren, Crow, etc),  small mammals (Chipmunk, Squirrel, Rabbit, etc.), a few larger mammals (Fox, Deer, Ground Hogs, etc.)  99% of the time they run away too fast for me to snap a shot.

          Plant diversity along my hikes is of course exciting to me.  I am not just interested in rare plants, but all plants.  Finding a colony of thousands of Trillium grandiflorum (Great White Trillium) is just as exciting as finding an extremely rare orchid.  On my most recent hike I found "rare" (aka. different) color forms of usually common plants.

          I found the white variety of the normally red Trillium erectum variety erectum (Red Wake Robin).  This is the 3rd colony of T. erectum I have discovered with the white Trillium erectum variety album intermixed.

          I also found solid green forms of the normally purple marked Arisaema trifoliata (Jack - in the Pulpit)

ONLINE CRAZIES (AGAIN)

          I guess in the end I am a magnet for every unsettled, unhappy, bipolar, nut ball.  Makes me very happy to have a group of very close true friends.

          This started with the reemergence of a couple I used to chat with years ago.  After a week or so we went out to dinner.  I had a great time.  Next the one partner started becoming all clingy and showing quite a bit of dissatisfaction and self-loathing. After about 3 weeks of this and him asking me if certain people on line hated him etc., he became increasingly paranoid.  Then he became passive - aggressive.  I do not deal with passive - aggressive.  I am not passive - aggressive and everyone knows that if anything I am aggressive - aggressive when pushed wayyyyy too far.

          After blasting me publicly with a few quips, I just asked publicly "Passive - aggressive much?"  At this point I was finished with the potential friendship(s).  This continued on gay.com with an attempted smear campaign, with him privating people about me.  Bad choice.  My rep as a nice guy is known by most.  Then he was stupid enough to try to get one of my close friends involved.  I was proud when my friend said "That is between the two of you, don't get me involved".  Soon after he posted publicly on gay.com that he was deleting "certain people" from his facebook friends list.  ROFL!!!  

          How second grade is this?  Grow the fuck up!!!   I only wanted to be a friend, not your therapist.  As I've told others before, I could have been the best friend you ever had, but I am now done.  Now I know why we didn't talk for 3 years.  I need to learn that when I walk away from people and cut the cord there is a reason, even if I don't remember why.  I know the previous stalking / harassment deal left me jaded and mistrusting.  Shit like this just reinforces my feelings that trying to get close to people online is just a losing proposition.  I am getting better at weeding out the nut jobs.  This one only took about a month.

HIKING : WATER

          Been a while since I posted.  Just been overworked and bored with the computer.  I've been on several hikes and have found my connection with nature even stronger.

          When I hike I find myself imagining that I am just part of the web of life.  That I am connected to every living thing around.  When I hike I look at everything...  trees, plants, birds, mammals, insects, everything.  I look for streams and water since water = life.

          As a botanist I also try to make observations about the plants I encounter.  Which sides of the hills they grow... north facing, south facing, east facing, or west facing.  Whether they are found on the faces of hills, or on steep embankments, or on the flats at the tops.  Whether they are found in deep shade, dappled light, or in full sun.

          I love water features and often take my clothes off and wash the water over me.  If it is warm enough and clean enough I will just sit in it and let it flow over me.  I really need to carry my camera tripod with me so I can get some better pictures of me when I am on my hikes.  But for me pictures of myself are really not necessary.  I take in everything and it becomes a part of me.

THE LITTLE THINGS - ORCHID SOCIETY

          I went to the April Orchid Society of Western PA meeting.  On the way to the meeting I nearly crashed my Vibe while checking out a hotty in a Jeep passing me on Washington Blvd..  There was a rainbow ribbon on the back window.  The meeting was really nice.  They start off with the typical officers reports.  As 2nd vice president there is nothing to say.  I am now THE 2nd vice pres., as opposed to being the co-2nd vice president.  Semantics.  I was asked to be a team leader at Phipps Conservatory.  Of course I accepted.

        This is followed by show and tell.  A lot of really nice plants come into the meetings.  There were two speakers today.  One spoke on miniature orchids, the other on a trip to Florida which included orchids and insectivorous plants.  Very nice speakers.

          I came home with my show and tell plants in tow.  As I drove I realize how much the society means to me.  They are a misfit bunch of crazies, but I have known most of them for over 25 years.  ROFL, I fit right in.  While I don't hang out with any of them they are friends.   The July OSWP Picnic will be here again and I look forward to showing off my yard, socializing, and just providing a place for my friends to spend a summer day.

          This is just a garden club.  Some try to make it out to be posh and elitist, but it is just an eclectic group interested in growing orchids.  Orchid for a century or two were considered exotic and rare.  Now they are a dime a dozen and can be purchased at any "big box" store.  Time have changed but the group is still interested in growing these plants.  Many have come and gone, but the core group is still there with many newer core members.  With the outreach to Phipps opportunities to teach there are also opening up.  I taught 2 "classes" in February.

          Recently a group of younger people joined.  By younger I mean my age.  Several are very interested and very active.  Linda chaired the show in March, which is a huge job.  Of course we will co-chair the show next year.  There is potential for some good friendships with this newer group.
          I start back to work tomorrow at 8am.   Woooooooo hooooooooo!!!  I work sales at a garden center / plant nursery.  I really like it.  The people for which I work and with which I work are pretty amazing people.  For the most part the customers are great as well.  This is pretty much what I would love to do.  Start my own nursery.  Knock on wood, the orchids will once again become at least somewhat profitable.

THE LITTLE THINGS - FIRST TRILLIUM OF 2011

         I walked into the garden today and found the first Trillium of spring open.  Such a little thing that just makes my day.  Being a plant geek I take things to extremes sometimes.  Purchasing 200+ Trillium in the Fall and finally planting them in January or February counts as a bit neurotic.  Nothing beats watching a new plant emerge, unfold, and then flower for the first time.  Well almost nothing.

          These plants were purchased as Trillium sessile.  A great species.  But as it emerged, unfolded, and began to open I realize that they may not be Trillium sessile, but Trillium maculatum.  To anyone but an obsessed collector these species are virtually identical.  But being obsessed, with a library of articles to prove it,  I am excited.  Furthermore, to most, this is hardly a showy species.  The plant is about 5-8" tall with a flower that doesn't even open fully.  The flower is a maroon-meat color.  The leaves however are light green with darker green mottling.  All in all this is one of the little things I just live for.

NEGATIVE MOOD

        The last two days or so I have been in a pretty negative mood. Just looking at my life and pissed at the universe for the hand I've been dealt.  Wondering why I've had so many really bad experiences.  If it's Karma then I must have been a real bastard in my past lives.  So much of what is holding me back are things I had no control over.  Things I had forced or inflicted on me.

          I feel angry when people tell me "It's in the past, get over it!!!"  I'm angry at them for seeming so heartless. I am angry with myself for not being able to just get over it.  I am very compassionate.  Well at least when I know the whole story behind someone.  I am very understanding when someone is hurting, angry, confused, etc.. 

          I know in my head that I am a pretty amazing guy.  But, I just don't feel it.  I feel that I should be in a better place and able to just shrug off the past.  The past doesn't haunt me, like flashbacks or anything like that.  I just feel a total sense of defeat and apathy anymore.  I've pretty much felt like this most of my life.

        This is what I call the poor me syndrome.  Just the feeling of being beaten down by the world>  The feeling of "this just isn't fair".  The feeling of why me.  The feeling of why do I go on.  I know we all go through periods like this.  It will pass. But, I guess I question how do you really get over it and move on.  I guess the closest thing I can come to to describe it is paralysis.  All encompassing feeling of numb.

         I usually medicate by working in the yard, working with the orchids, putzing on the computer, etc.  Anything to just get me out of my own head.  This is why I spend so much money on plants.  When I get a new plant I get the rush of owning something beautiful.  Owning something that connects me to nature.  Plus it is (for the most part) not a one time rush.  I get a similar though smaller rush when the plant flowers the second, third, fourth time. 

          So, I find myself right now, in this mood, medicating by shopping online for orchids, or Trillium, or Daylily, etc..  Pretty much frivolous purchases that I legitimize by using in my breeding programs, or that I plan to sell later.  A lot of people buy clothes, cars, jewelry, etc.  My passion is plants.  So, Orchids seem to be an attempt by me to balance out the baggage.

JUST A GREAT VIDEO

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ulb3tZU8vsk&feature=share

PRIDE

          I recently thought about pride.   This is considered one of the 7 deadly sins.  According to Wiki:

Pride is an inward directed emotion that exemplifies either a high sense of one's personal status or ego (i.e., leading to judgments of personality and character) or the specific mostly positive emotion that is a product of praise or independent self-reflection. Philosophers and social psychologists have noted that pride is a complex secondary emotion which requires the development of a sense of self and the mastery of relevant conceptual distinctions (e.g., that pride is distinct from happiness and joy) through language-based interaction with others. Some social psychologists identify it as linked to a signal of high social status. One definition of pride in the first sense comes from St. Augustine: "the love of one's own excellence"^. In this sense, the opposite of pride is either humility or guilt; the latter in particular being a sense of one's own failure in contrast to Augustine's notion of excellence.

          When I think of personal pride I think of self-reflection and self praise of accomplishments (see previous post ACCOMPLISHMENTS).   I think of things I "pride" myself upon.  This is something with which up till recently I had a problem.  It has taken me many years to accept that I have any accomplishments upon which to be proud.  The state of a person constantly beaten down.

          I now take great pride in my research of a group of S. E. Asian orchids.  I take great pride in owning a library containing nearly 30,000 pages both physical and digital that took me about 5 years to obtain.  I take great pride in growing, nurturing, breeding, and selling of orchids.  Something I have done for over 25 years.  I take pride in my garden.  I take pride in my painting.  I take pride in my friends (a very eclectic bunch).

         When I think of pride I do not think of it as a sin.  For me being prideful is a way to accept that there is something good about yourself.  Pride leads to the wish to excel.  Pride leads to a want to do better.  Pride leads to self change that leads to a better SELF.  Pride leads to a want to be more connected to the WHOLE and the universe in general.  Pride leads to a connection with all thinks that live.

SECURITY BLANKETS

          Went out with my friend Joe last night.  We always seem to have a blast regardless who (or what) is around.  Started at 5801 in Shadyside.  That lasted about 10 minutes before the smoke made me want to vomit.  Then we went to Spin.  We sat around and talked for a bit.  I should say screamed back and forth because the music was too loud to actually talk.  After about 15 minutes of ear drum bleeding noise we moved onto a coffee shop down the block.  Crazy Mocha (????)   it used to be Dancing Goats years ago.

         Here we caught up since we have not seen each other since before Christmas.  He told me about his vacation a few months back while I ate an over priced piece of chocolate cake that surely will add 3 years to my already long stay in purgatory.  After about an hour or so, we went back to 5801.  We walked in saw that the crowd had an average age of about 10 and left.  We went to Spin and found the same so we left.  He didn't want to go back to the Crazy Mocha we just left so we popped into my car and we drove to the Squirrel Hill Crazy Mocha.  We sat around for about 15 minutes before we realized it was closing.  We high tailed it out of there and I dropped him at his car in Shadyside.

          It's funny how many people think we are a couple.  We get along so well.  We also have a relationship where we are total bitches to each other.  Cutting and ripping on each other all the time.  Especially when we are online.  But I would do anything for him and vica versa.  I've found that with my real friends we can judge when it is OK to be bitches and judge when it is time to sit down and be serious.

          I realized last night on the way home how "done" I am with the bars / clubs.  This has been a feeling I've had for years, since I was drugged / poisoned.  This past fall I went out more between Sept - Dec. than I did in the past 10 years.  I drank more in those months than the previous 10 years as well.  I sit in a bar / club, usually by myself, and usually end up chatting with someone.  In the mean time I feel so out of place and insecure.  I realized that a drink in my hand was just a prop. Something to hold in my hand like a security blanket.  Something to concentrate on so I don't feel so out of place or lonely.

        I find myself wondering how many of the guys at the bar use similar security blankets.  Alcohol. drugs, sex, etc..  I have several security blankets.  Plants, orchids, my garden, painting etc..  Green things soothe me.  Growing and nurturing things are very relaxing and calming to me.  Painting is just another way to be creative.  I breed orchids which I see as just another art form.  When I am in a garden or holding a plant I find myself connected to nature to the greater WHOLE of the universe.  I wonder what I would hold onto if I was not a botanista.

         When I moved home from college (the 1st time) after Garren killed himself I had nothing.  The garden was here but I was in no mental shape to care.  I was 24 or 25 and I went out to the old Pegasus a lot.   At that time I was searching for companionship and friendship.  Booze was my security blanket.  It was the social lubricant.  After totaling 2 cars, and one boy friend, something snapped.  After a year or two of this I realized something was not working so I retreated into myself.  I stopped drinking.  I started gardening again.

          This is something I have done quite a few times when things got too out of control or things were to abusive to deal with.  I just shut off and shut down and contemplated my navel.  This most recently happened after the harassment / stalking deal last year.  I put out thousands of dollars for a cruise and when I returned I deleted most of my online chat accounts and stopped going on gay.com for over 6 months.

          At the orchid show I realized that orchids are a security blanket for me.  When I feel a bit down I tend to buy a breeding/stock plant.  Not always expensive, but a purchase non-the-less.  It feels good to have something new.  I do the same with my garden, buying new plants.  There is something about planting that is just good for the soul.  Not so much the planting as the anticipation of the plant growing and maturing over the next few years.  About watching it flourish under my care.   Now I see why some people (idiots  ROFL) feel the need to buy expensive and new clothes.

         I never got into the trendy clothes.  I've always been practical.  I wear decent stuff, but I do not feel the need to have the latest fads, trends, or expensive named crap on my back.  When I was out last night I looked at the way these kids were dressed.  Ridiculous!!!   Mommy and daddy are obviously paying their bills.  Looking back to last night, how many were utilizing the alcohol, drugs, clothes, sex, etc. security blankets.  It's funny how I realize now that everyone is insecure and falls back to using their own personal security blankets.

2011 LOVE HOROSCOPE

I figured I'd post the horoscope.  I don't follow astrology, but so far it is dead on.  LOL

Year 2011 Romantic

Your love life is beyond rich and transformational again this year. After enduring a prolonged deprivation spell, where true love seemed like something that only happened to other people, your turn for real love has arrived. Chances are you're already in the midst of a very soulful tryst that began last year. But if you happen to be one of the remaining die hard hermits, get ready to experience one of the most intense romantic encounters of your lifetime. Your birthday season tops the charts in garnishing romance and pleasure, so be sure to take some time off to properly enjoy the amorous gifts of Venus.

You've got two powerful planetary energies working to make your love life the stuff movies and dreams are made of (and for the long haul.) Neptune, the planet of dreams and soulful experience will take up residence in your relationship sector this April to bring you a preview of what's to come for the next fourteen years in radically spiritualizing your relationships. And then Pluto, the god of the underworld continues the excavation begun in 2008 in your romance sector. Over the next 14 years you can count on Pluto to bring unparalleled intensity and reveal hidden aspects of your self through the vehicle of romance. Nothing light or frivolous anymore when it comes to love, Virgo. If it's not a soul connection that will transform every fiber of your being, you'll quickly lose interest.

OVERABUNDANCE

          Thinking back a year I was miserable because I felt so unattractive.  I was 6' 1" 185#.  In gay terms I was obese.  I do not have a 6 pack and washboard stomach so I am fat and out of shape.  I do not wear the latest and most expensive clothes so I am trash.  WTF is up with the gay "community"?

          I never felt attractive at any point in my life.  I just don't see buying expensive clothes to try to cover up what I was given.  Then again my penchant to hike around nude never made me really care much about the wrapping paper I put on.  For years I thought my lack of a boyfriend / husband was because I was fat or ugly.  NO!!!  It was because I felt fat and ugly and was afraid to approach people or be myself.  The overtly butchness I tried to portray was too much for many.  This was fake anyhow.  Anyhow  crude and rude do not equate to masculine.  This I am learning and trying to change in myself.

         Now, a year later I find myself inundated with potential boyfriends.  Several very nice guys are vying for my attention.  Of course I thought I would be in my glory.  Of course I thought this would be fantastic.  Now I find myself afraid to go one step farther with any of them.  This over abundance of attention is very alien to me.  I need to accept myself and be happy accepting attention before I can go farther in any of these relationships.  My horoscope for 2011 said April was the beginning of something great for me that would culminate in a LTR around my birthday.  While I'm not an astrology buff, it is interesting that things so far this year are progressing like my horoscope said.  Maybe by my birthday this overwhelming overabundance will turn into a balanced, soul soothing, and long term relationship.

PITTSBURGH ORCHID SHOW 2011

          Wow, Thursday - Sunday were 4 of the most grueling and rewarding days of my life.  Set up and registration were Wednesday - Thursday.  Set up of exhibits can literally take 8-10 hours.  It can be crazy.  some will literally turn a plant around and re-situate a single plant for 15 minutes.  Just to show the right angle or the best flowers.  It is like the comedy about the dog show.  Very competitive and somewhat psychotic.

           Registration was from 10am till 10pm Thursday.  I was the registrar for the entire show.  I was responsible for the registration of every plant exhibited in the show, 325+ plants.  This takes a knowledge of all orchids (1,500 genera and over 25,000 species and an additional 50,000 hybrids) .  It also takes a knowledge of the classification system used in the show.   This is something of which I am very proud.  Knowledge I gained over the past 25+ years in the Orchid Society of Western Pennsylvania and 10 years of research.  There were a few times I got really annoyed with people.  Mostly cute old ladies who were adorably oblivious to the registration process, even though  I have known them for almost 25 years. (ROFL).  One vendor I would very much like to never see again, but...  Without my new friend Linda I would have run out of gas around 8pm.

          Friday was judging.  That can be both fun and grueling.  Fun in that this is where ribbons are awarded.  Grueling in that it is 3-4 hours on you feet.  I came away with 3 blue (1st) and 1 red (2nd) place ribbons for 4 plants entered.  Trophies for best of class are awarded as well.  One of mine was considered for a trophy but lost by one vote to another plant.  HRUMPH!!!!   National awards are also given.  Usually 5-10 national awards are given at each Pittsburgh show.  There were 7 this year.  These are awarded for exceptional flowers, rare or new species, or for plants exhibiting good culture and large numbers of flowers.  One received a quality award and a cultural award.  Amazingly enough this plant was one of teh first hybrids ever registered.  This plant is is nearly 200 years old, passed down by division from days gone by.

          Saturday - Sunday were open to the public.  This is when the general populace descends upon the show like the biblical locust.  Every size, shape, color, sex, personality, and age come to view the orchids (and buy plants from the vendors).  These days it was my job to walk around and answer any questions anyone would have about orchids, help the vendors sell plants, and occasionally flirt with a few hot guys. This is why Linda gave me the nick name "THE ORCHID PIMP" .   ROFL.  Of course I purchased plants.  This time only 3.  Two for breeding and one just because I thought it would be cool.  Two of my purchases are (hopefully) pregnant now.   Knock on wood, I should be selling en mass again in 2 years or so.

           Sunday at 5pm sharp, it all comes down.  What took hours to create disappears in about 20-30 minutes.  Nearly everything is gone after an hour. After 1 1/2 hours the floors are swept.  It is humorous how fast things disappear after a 4 day show.  All the preparation and time....  then in about and hour it is gone until the next year.  The end of the show is both depressing and a blessing.  4 days is about all a person can take.  I feel like jelly from the middle of my back down.  I will sleep like the dead tonight!!!!

REFLEXES

         It's funny how I feel the need to be extra "butch" in certain situations.  When I am around groups of straight guys I notice how my mannerisms and actions change.   I spit and swear A LOT more than usual.  It seems that one of my reflexes to appear more masculine is to become  a crude thug.  I find this very unattractive in other people.   However, I revert to this when I think I may appear gay to people.  It is a reflex for me to become a Neanderthal when I feel threatened. 

REGRETS

          Recently, I started thinking of my regrets.  The things I wish I had not done and the things I wish I had done in my life.  We all have them.  I have quite a few.  One or two have crippled me in the past. 

          The biggest regret that used to cripple me was the suicide of my first boyfriend.  For many years I felt there should have been something I could have done to stop him.  Took me years to realize he was on the road to destruction long before I met him.  I recently talked to two friends who had similar but totally different experiences.  One was in an abusive relationship.  One was in a relationship where there was little or no love left.  Both agree that the road to destruction began before either met their respective partners.  For the most part I spent my first few years paralyzed the few weeks before and after April 19th.  The last few years the date has come and gone without much thought.  This used to hurt me, but I know that this is the way of things.  Healing happens.  Pain goes away.  Memories fade.

          I am very lucky to still be young enough to do most of the things I regret not doing.  I have traveled a lot and want to travel more.  I want to be in a monogamous relationship.  Regardless how hopeless it feels sometimes, and how depressing it seems, I am still a catch and I know there is someone out there for me.  I want a child, or children.  I know there are guys out there who feel the same.  It seems lately I am finding more and more guys who feel the same way I do.

          I remember feeling that there was something wrong with me because I wanted monogamy and children.  It is funny looking back how I felt so messed up because I was gay.  I was playing a straight man but I was gay.  I was shunned, humiliated, bullied, and even beaten.  Then I entered the "gay community".  There I was made to feel there was something wrong with me because I voiced my want for a monogamous relationship and children.  I was told I would never meet anyone interested in settling down, that random sex was the gay way.

          I regret spending so much time and energy trying to change myself.  I thought that if I changed my mindset I could be straight.  That if I concentrated hard enough I could let go and be sexually liberated.  I spent so much time believing what I felt was wrong.  I spent so much time trying to change myself to conform to what I thought was the NORM.  But what is normal?  I realize now, not too late, that there is nothing wrong with my feelings.  Feelings are always right.  It is a part of me that can not be changed.  It is a part of me that should not be changed, because it is what makes me me.

          I find now that one of my biggest regrets is...   I regret having regrets over what seem now to be things I have no power to change.  TOTAL MIND FUCK...   LOL

GAY BUDDHISTS

          The past 3 months have been unsettling for me.  Meditation has been nearly impossible.  I sit, (or lay), and it's like the world is screaming at me.  Flashes like an old skipping movie pop in my head.  Some are things I know, others are not.

        I try to focus my energy on a tree in my back yard,  a big Acer saccharinum (Sugar Maple) that I have known for as long as I can remember.  Under it are a group of Erythronium americanum (Dogtooth Violet), Dicentra canadensis (Dutchman's Breeches), and several Trillium species.  In Spring when these are in full flower the sunlight hits this spot like it is an alter.  This is peace to me.  Tranquility.  The only thing better would be if this spot was a mile away from everything.  (LOL...   plus add a waterfall.)  I can and have sat litterally in this area for hours.  Just plopped down in a dry spot, or on a rock and just zoned out.

          The beauty that pops into my head is amazing.  Like a slide show of all the hikes I have ever done, all the beautiful spots I've seen while traveling, all the beauty I've seen in art, all the beauty I have had conveyed to me by friends.  Now I just find it so hard to maintain a focus (or lack there of).  I plan to spend a good amount of time today sitting on my rock in the garden.  It is still brown with little green, except the Symplocarpus foetidus (Skunk Cabbage).  I need to focus on life and harmony.

          Watching last years dead leaves blow around, watching new buds swell,  watching the catkins of Hazel Nuts elongate and flower,  watching plants push up through the ground, watching insects scurry across the ground,  watching and listening to birds.  I hope this brings some peace to my wondering mind.

          About 6 months ago a friend mentioned the Gay Buddhists in Pittsburgh.  He sent me a link to a group on Facebook and I joined the group.  After my usual LONG time in considering things I sent an email to the Pittsburgh group.  I am going to the Wednesday meeting.  I will meet with Bhante Pema about a half an hour early for a one on one.  I think sitting in a group of similarly minded people will be of comfort to me.  Maybe my clouded mind will be calmed and I can be at peace once more.

OLD FRIENDS

          In the last week, twice I had the opportunity to spend time with a friend I have known for 15 years.  It is funny how much I can be myself around Tristan.  He knows me from when I had just moved back to Pittsburgh in the early-mid 90's.  He knows about my Pegasus days.  He knows all about my obsession with plants and nature.  He knows about my trials and tribulations. 

        I also know him well.  We met in Pegasus, of all places.  This was back in 1994-5 when the place was still on Liberty Ave. and was still fun as hell.  I remember dancing all night till I was soaking wet.  I remember taking my shirt of and dancing. Something I am too repressed to do at my advanced age.  I remember running around from group to group socializing. 

        When I returned to Penn State, Tristan and I lost contact for a bit.  This happens with friendships and relationships in general.  After coming back to Pittsburgh for the second (official) time we ran into each other at Spin once or twice.  We exchanged phone numbers.  We didn't really keep up though.  Within the past few months we have become close again.  I spent Tuesday with him.  We went to Phipps Conservatory and then the Home Show at the Convention Center.  After wards we went to 5801 for dinner.

       Saturday, yesterday, I took my friend Nick to Phipps Conservatory, then we went to Elbow Room for an early dinner.  I called Tristan to see if he was at work.  Nick and I sat around talking to Tristan and the girls for about 20 minutes then went on our way to 5801.  Tristan met us there.

          It is amazing the effect old friends have on me.  I felt no need to hold back, I could totally be myself.  Knock on wood this is the year I stop holding back.  Stop repressing.  This is the year I open up and show off the good things that make me me. 

BODY ELECTRIC

          It is nice to know that there are gay men who think about sex the way I do.  I think sex is the ultimate intimacy between two people.  Sex is healthy. Sex is amazing with the right partner.  Sex is to be a mutual experience.  Sex is more than just sex.  Sex is sensual.  Sex is spiritual.

          I find it amazing that there are gay men who are interested in learning more about their bodies and the bodies of other men.  Men who seek sensuality and sexuality.

http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/taoist_erotic_workshops_men_male_tantra_massage.html

FATE / KARMA

          I keep my painting supplies in a locked redwood box.  For the last couple weeks I have tried to find the key to the box so I can begin painting.  I finally considered just smashing the box, but it was something my grandmother owned.  This morning I awakened and stepped out of bed.  I felt a cold spot on the bottom of my foot.  It was the key to the box.  Just amazing what the universe will do for you when you are on the right path.

BOTANICAL ART

          I recently began to think about my watercolor painting.  It's been about 10 years since I produced my last botanical painting.  Anyone who has been to my many apartments over the years has seen one or two.  I remember how researching a subject made me feel.  It gave me a sense of purpose.  I had a goal to produce a beautiful work of art that was also accurate.  Of course in the past all my efforts were to produce paintings of orchids.  Now my tastes and interests have changed.  I am interested in all flowering plants. Trillium will be the main focus of my new works.

        I recall working literally 2 days straight on some paintings because I was inspired.  I also have more than my share that sit unfinished for teh last 10 years.  Growing, nurturing, and loving nature the way I do, painting nature seems the next logical step in my expression of this love. 

          My newest passion is photography.  Previously I never paid attention to the composition of a photograph.  I was simply documenting a plant or flower for my own collection.  There are so many beautiful things that I would not grow in my garden.  Some are non-native plants, some are very rare and I would never poach them, others are too large or too small.  Over the years I have collected thousands of photographs of various plants.  About a year ago a  friend of mine said that some were art.  I never considered this before.  Now when I photograph something I try to think of it as an art piece as well as a document.

POTENTIAL?

          Wow, it is amazing how connected I can feel with someone online.  Just a strange form of communication.  To sit online and play 20 questions with someone who I've only known online for 6mo.  There is something freeing and liberating about chatting with someone online.  For me it is so much easier to talk and "get my gay on" online when there is no personal physical interaction.  LOL.

        After knowing this guy for about 6 months or so, and not really knowing anything about him, I decided to get closer a few weeks ago by asking more about him.  I got the typically adorable, ask me anything, what do you want to know.  This usually means the guy is shy and sans a lot of attitude.  So, after a few conversations, I got more personal.  We played 20 questions, but it turned out to be more like 1,000 questions.  While I know a lot of guys online regularly lie and make up things about themselves to try to make themselves seem great, I don't think this was the case.

         We discussed everything from family, to past relationships, to philosophy.  We discussed creationism, evolution, life on other planets.  We discussed fantasies, and sexual fantasies.  The latter tending to be hard for me to discuss.  It was just an amazing conversation.  After we would discuss something he would usually say "ok, next question", or "ok, I think it is your turn to ask me something.".  After literally several hours, my computer froze up for the first time ever.  It did not come back up till the next day.  Of course the one question I was too afraid to ask was...   would you like to go out sometime.

          This is me being the total dork I am.  Oblivious to the obvious.  Getting caught up in the moment but not seizing it.  LOL.  Having so much in common, and a few thing we disagree on, I really want to get to know this guy more.

          I always get the 20/20 hindsight.  The feeling 20 minutes, and hour, a day, a few days later that I should have said or done something more.  I know we all do this, but how often do I kick myself for something I really wanted to do but didn't ave the courage to do.  Just like in the movie Bambi.   LOL.  How many times have I taken something with great potential and shied away for fear of rejection?  How many times have I taken my own amazing potential for granted.  I can be fairly spontaneous, but in situations where my emotions run deep or begin to run deep, I freeze up.  Like my computer, I lock up and dopamine takes over.  I go with the happy feelings the situation provides and I just don't act or react.  I become oblivious to the potential of the situation.  This is one of the things I need to work on.  After 40 years, I need to work on recognizing potential in everything.

INSECURE and UNSURE

          A year ago I was in the tropical heat of the western Caribbean.  This was a much needed respite from a year that seemed full of nothing but heartache, pain, harassment, anxiety, and towards the end depression and despair.  Now, there is a frozen lake in my back yard where there is usually lawn and about 2" of snow on the ground.  Still beats last year.  When I left last year there was about 3' of snow left from various snow falls.

         When I left I was pale and anemic.  I was a totally broken man from the harassment I (and others) put up with online on various sites.  It was crazy how much it affected me.   While on the boat half way between Cuba and Honduras I went to my room and cried.  An all encompassing cry.  I just laid there sobbing into the pillow.  Now I am a different person.  Such nastiness is met with nothing but kindness and if it continues I just ignore it.  No one will ever have such power over me again.

         Other changes have happened to me over the years.  In early 2008, I weighed nearly 250#.  This was due to a medication I was taking.  After being taken of the medication I began in earnest to lose the weight I gained.  After one year I was down to 185-190#.  This was an amazing transformation.  However, I still did not feel any joy.  I still look at myself in the mirror and see...   blah.  Just...  blah.   I know that  I am good looking and in pretty good shape, but I just see...   blah.

         It is very hard for me to take a compliment.  Almost painful for me to hear them.  Why?  Why is my self image so screwed up.  Probably from a mentally, physically, and sexually abusive past.  My mind realizes I am a pretty good looking guy and that I am more than worthy of a mate.  My heart and soul are broken and I feel less than.  This is something I have been working on for over 10 years.  I have made strides.

        I have always had an amazing grasp of what I want in a relationship.  I want love, stability, commitment, things in common, security, safety.  I have been very good at dodging potentially unhealthy relationships.  Sans being slapped around once, abuse is not a problem with which I have a problem.  My biggest problem is I am oblivious. 

         When I am interested in someone I become blind.  I can never tell if they are interested in me.  As a result I rarely initiate a hug, kiss, cuddle, or sex.  In my heart I want to but I am afraid to be hurt or rejected.  I put so much pressure on myself to be good that I forget sometime you need to be naughty and go out on  a limb.  I envy people who can initiate sex at the drop of a hat.  I am a very strong person, but I guess I am looking for someone to take my hand and guide me through things for a bit.  Guide me until I am comfortable.

        I can be very dominant in a friendship type relationship.  However in an intimate or sexual relationship I desire things to be 50/50.  I like to start slow, become confident, and then just go crazy.  Maybe this is part of my self image problem.  For as long as I can remember I've felt that I do not fit in with other gay men because I long for stability, with one person.  Hook ups leave me momentarily happy, but in the end I feel degraded.  For a long time I have longed to be sexually liberated.  This simply has not happened and I doubt it will at this age.  I like the way I am.  While part wants to be promiscuous, the other knows my inner SELF.  Maybe this is because my heart and soul are searching rather than my body. 

         In the end my self image is based on rejections of the past and the fear of present rejection.  I do put myself out in the world and have encountered people who catch my fancy.  I have met people who think I am the cat's meow.  It just never seems like it is enough.  Friendships ensue.  I have to wonder if it is my self image problem that holds me back.  Do I feel worthy of the love of someone else?  Do I think I am capable of loving someone in return?  The answers to these questions are a very resounding YES.  YES I am!!!!  In my mind.  However, in my heart and soul I am still subject to past baggage.  I am unsure and insecure.

HERE YOU COME AGAIN

          Funny how when people walk out of my life they almost always walk back in 6-9 months later.  Just when I think I am finished with those feelings,  BANG!!!   Historically this brings about good friendships.  Occasionally I hang up the phone for all the crap I went through.   So, here I go with a blast of feeling that I hoped were over.  Not a month ago I was telling my therapist how it would be just amazing if "he" moved away without my knowing it, and I would never run into him again.  Circle of Life stuff I guess.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdQxseZJLdk

IDENTITY (BLANK, BLANK, BLANK, and GAY)

          Today started off great.  Weather was blah, then the sun came out.  I walked out into my wildflower garden just to putz around.  Many Trillium are popping their heads up out of the soil.  After a bit of excavation of the mulch , I found several Mertensia virginica (Virginia Bluebells).  The Asarum canadense (Wild Ginger) has leaves that are on the verge of expanding.  And yes, the Skunk Cabbage is still in full flower.

          I went shopping for the makings of white chocolate / lime truffles.  My first attempt at such a mix of flavors.  After mixing and cooking for a bit the mixture sits in the refrigerator till it sets a bit.   OMFG!!!!   I hit upon a winner.  My next attempt will be white chocolate and anise. I think the white chocolate with a subtle hint of licorice should be nice.  When these are finished I will mail them to a friend of mine who loves lime.  Well if they set up correctly.  If now he will be getting a container of white chocolate crepe sauce.

          Afterward I started working on the 1/2 bath again.  This is turning into a very long project.  Drywall repair, caulking, spackling, re-spackling.  Then I decided to take off the ornamental wallpaper boarder at the top of the walls.  That was a day of work.  I will never use wallpaper again.  Today I decided to take off the baseboards instead of taping.  Good move.  I never tape right and end up with paint all over teh place.  I get it off but it never looks right to me again.  After all that I managed to trim the corners of teh room and get one coat on the walls.  Tomorrow will be coat #2.

         While sitting on my rock I started thinking about personal identity.   So many identify themselves by their work.  I work with plants, in every possible way.  I grow them, I breed them, I exhibit them, I research them, and I have published new species.  While my paying job includes plants, this is not my identity.  I am very connected to nature and get a total high from just sitting on my rock, or digging in the dirt, or watching a ant walk by.  While doing that today I realized that identity is not work or actions.  Identity is what is inside.  Identity are the innate things within us that make us human.  Identity are the things we mostly hold back from one another.  Identity are the intimate things very few people, if any, will ever know about us.

         I identify myself as a loving, caring, hoping, passionate, intelligent, person.  I identify myself as an amazing friend.  I identify myself as a good son.  There are so many other things I can add here that just don't come to mind.  In the end I identify myself as gay.  The intimate parts that make up a WHOLE person are teh true identity.  The SPIRITUAL identity.   This is the identity that I would like to experience from everyone I know.

LUST and LOVE

        I often ponder lust.  Love and lust are related but definitely not the same.  Lust is seeking and love is keeping.  In the animal kingdom males lust after females so they can pass on their genes.   Science has found in humans, that dopamine levels increase when an attractive potential mate is present.  Dopamine is the "feel good" hormone.  That is why I get that burst of "happy" when a hot guy walks past, talks to me, compliments me, or even better winks at me.  Lust is amazing, but can lead to other problems.

         I feel that lust in gay males is the main reason most gay relationships fail.  Gay men historically dealing with intolerance and persecution automatically seek an escape to the "feel good".  I feel that in the end most gay men choose to move from partner to partner because of the dopamine high they get from the chase.  Genetics research has shown recently that anxiety and lust are connected. 

         This seems to me to be a "cause" for such sexual promiscuity in gay men.  Most gay men exhibit anxiety due to non acceptance.  The result is looking to feel good about themselves.  This leads to alcohol abuse, drug abuse, sexual promiscuity, seeking unsafe and risky sex, and seeking sex in unsafe environments.

          Without the ability to marry gay men have no structure by which to lead their lives.  As a gay man I knew early that the permanence of a relationship would be based purely on the whims of myself and my partner.  I feel that most gay men simply stop trying and just give into the need to feel good.  Hook ups, for me, leave me feeling good for a fleeting time that in the end actually brings me down.  I seek a permanent bond with someone, and when the hook up is over I go back to my normal feelings of wanting and needing.  Biologically this is explained by the immediate release of high levels of dopamine during sex.  This is followed by a rapid drop later.  I feel this can lead to depression in some.

          Early in my coming out period I was more promiscuous.  Over several years I shied from this.  I just felt that I was different and that I wanted permanence in my life.  I have tried to be more sexually liberated in the past few years, because it seem to me that so many others who are are so much more happy.  I know sometimes I come off as judgmental towards those who are freer that I am.  This is not the case.   I find myself envious of people who are so liberated.  However, it is something that still alludes me.  In my heart of hearts I still hold so much hope that I will find someone with which I have a similar common need to bond with on a permanent basis.  In my heart and soul I feel that eventually I will find MISTER RIGHT and not mister right now.

INTIMACY

          I always contemplate the emotion of love.  There is friend type love, casual boy friend type love, and total, make a connection, passionate love.  There are just as many levels with in these categories as there are stars in the night sky. 

          I have friends I have known for 15-20 years that I love very dearly.  Even when they get on my nerves.  Friends fight.  Friends get angry at each other.  Friends stop talking to each other sometimes.  In the end a true friend is there for you all the time.  There is nothing I would not do for my friends (yes a double negative).  Perhaps better said, I would do anything for my friends.  Vica Versa my friends would do anything for me.

          I sat on the phone listening to friends in their times of greatest need.  Talking them through frustration, anger, depression, anxiety.  I would not trade these times for the world.  This is true intimacy between two people.  Conversely they have done the same for me.  Being able to convey your emotions to another person is one of the most beautiful things in life.  To open up to someone when you are at your most vulnerable is the ultimate connection two friends can have.  This is the ultimate trust between to friends.

       The love between two boyfriends (or girlfriends or a man and a woman) takes this love one step farther (at least for me).  When I date someone I begin with no real expectations.  In the end I can have an amazing friend or a total connection with another human being.  When a friendship has the potential to become sexual, emotions are heightened.  This means to me that I have acquired a greater connection to this person than is the norm.  This is another level of intimacy.  In the natural world this could be considered the courtship stage.  This is where two people line up checking each other out to see if they want to create a stronger bond between them.

        In nature the Bonobo or the Pygmy Chimpanzee (Pan paniscus) is known for gregarious sexual relationships.  In the Bonobo world everything leads to copulation.  A frightening experience with a predator can lead to males and females, males and males, and females and females rubbing genitals.  This is seen to strengthen the bond between individuals and the group as a whole.  Similar responses occur when an individual returns to the group, after two members have a fight, after the group finds a source of food, etc.  This is the way Bonobos console each other when a member feels lonely or insecure.

          I believe that sexually promiscuous gay men are in fact very lonely or insecure.  Like the Bonobo they seek out the special bond with another.  Moving from person to person sexually bring then temporary relief and succor.  I in no way look down upon these individuals however this is not my way.  As hard as I have tried I have a very hard time being sexually liberated.  I always considered myself insecure and damaged.  But in the end I seek the ultimate intimacy with another and pass upon the temporary intimacy of promiscuity.  I believe it is It is natural to make connections with others.  We all strive to be intimate.  It is in the genes.  However it is in Humans that the ultimate form of intimacy occurs.

         This form takes the last stage even farther.  This is when two people make a total connection into passionate all encompassing love.  This type of love I have felt (or at least I think i felt) only fleetingly.  This is where two people come together to form a new whole.  This is the ultimate intimacy.  Intimacy where desire is shared.  Intimacy where the emotional and sexual needs and wants of the other are as  important as your own needs and wants.  This is where all selfishness wanes.  Both have accepted the other as they are, but learn to compromise openly.  They communicate their needs and wants to one another.  I believe this is what each SELF seeks.  Some may repress this need to shed their SELF to join with another SELF.  In the end we all seek intimacy on various levels.

          Our accumulated baggage holds us back from achieving such a WHOLENESS with another.  It is only through acceptance and understanding of our own shortcomings, baggage, and damages that we can eventually find such a connection with another.  It is only through the acceptance and understanding of our gifts, emotions, and positive qualities that we can find this connection.  In the end only a whole SELF can join with another SELF to become WHOLE.

5 PRECEPTS of BUDDHISM

1. Panatipata veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami: I observe the precept of abstaining from the destruction of life. 

2. Adinnadana veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami: I observe the precept of abstaining from taking that which is not given. 

3. Kamesu micchacara veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami: I observe the precept of abstaining from sexual misconduct. 

4. Musavada veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami: I observe the precept of abstaining from falsehood. 

5. Suramerayamajjapamadatthana veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami: I observe the precept of abstaining from intoxicants that cloud the mind and cause carelessness. 

I realize that I really need to sit down and talk to someone about this way of life.  So much can be interpreted. 


I just realized there is a Buddhist center less than 3 miles away from my home.  There is also a group in Squirrel Hill and on in Shadyside.

INFERIORITY COMPEX (es)

          I was on gay.com last night and realized how negative, bitchy, catty, and down right nasty people can be on that site.  When I first moved to Pittsburgh I would fight with anyone who said anything catty or nasty towards me.  I was very unsure about my place and felt so alienated.  I felt so broken, like I did not fit.   I find that the gay community as a whole does this to themselves.

        The gay standards of being acceptable destroy so many people.  You have to be under 30, 6'2", 165#, with tan skin, and make over $75,000 a year.  You have to be at all the good clubs and parties.  You absolutely have to work out and have amazing abs of steel.  This is the gay mirror we have to look into.  I am 40, which in gay years makes me Jurassic, I am 6'1" but 200# (curently) which makes me  a bloated sack of protoplasm.  I do not tan in winter but do lay out some in summer, which makes me a pale farm boy. I do not work out which makes me inferior.  This is what gay society forces upon us.

         This is one of the several reasons I have shied away from anything gay.  Sure I used to frequent the bars, but that was in my youth and I was a BIG HOT MESS then.  This fall I started returning to the bars figuring things would be different.  NOPE....  SSDD...  Drunks (to be expected) and pretentious people who think they are beautiful and won't talk to anyone outside of their status.  No wonder so many gay people are so socially damaged. Smoking, alcohol, drugs, sex, unprotected sex, unsafe sex, and so many other things.  So many are on the roads to destruction.  I used to be one of these.

        When I first came out I was in a fraternity, so I was already a big drinker.  When I first started wanting to come out that got so much more out of hand.  The suicide of my first lover culminated in 3 nervous breakdowns which lead to some serious boozing.  After all, how inferior can the suicide of someone you love make you feel. 


          Before all of this I was dubbed inferior by the men in my family and the school kids because I did not hunt, fish, or watch sports.  I was "wrong" because I did not live up to their status of masculinity.  I look back at these people and think WTF was wrong with them.  Why did I have to be the one to conform to their set of standards.  I was (and am) an amazingly creative, warm, loving, intelligent person.  Did any of them really get to know me past the slurs and bullying?

         This need to conform to a straight ideal is what is holding me back now.  The feelings that I lost my SELF along the way.  The feelings that the real ME is walled off inside this body.  Over the last few years this realization has made me work to recenter myself and explore what TIM really is.  After depression, anxiety, and some anger, I am on a journy to find myself again.

     I am a wonderful, warm, loving person.  I am creative.  I am very intelligent and able to convey information to virtually anyone.  Knowing this in your mind and feeling it are two different things.  The inferiority drummed into my head over the years still tells me I am "wrong" that I need to be the same as everyone else.

         Last night on yahoo.com I had a discussion, with a new friend,  about Camp Davis and Rosewood.  These being gay camps.  The last year I had considered going to one or both of these places just to see what they are like.  I have heard one or two stories of them being the typical stereotyped gay sex spots.  I have also heard stories of how they are amazing places for gays to just be gays.  I love how I gave into the stereotypes and actually grunted at the mere mention of the names.  In this way was I not just making these places as inferior in my own mind as the people of my youth did to me?  A serious change in my mentality has occurred about a lot of gay things.

          I at some point this year will go to either Camp Davis and/or Rosewood.  I need to experience these places for myself and not judge them based upon the (probably bitter) words of others.  I need to open myself up to new experiences.  I need to accept people and places as they are.  My biggest thing has been the acceptance olive and let live mindset.  I choose my friends carefully, but I do not need to judge everyone who comes past me based on my ideals. 

         While certain cattiness is expected in the gay world, the is no need to cause someone else to have an inferiority complex about certain things.  I have done this in the past.  I know I have hurt people by pre-judging them, their beliefs, their actions, their reactions.  A lot of this came from my own inferiority complex (es).  The need to make me feel more whole by pointing out to myself how they do not conform to my ideals. 

          I have hurt people by being catty, bitchy, and down right nasty at times.  All I can do is try to make myself a better person, and perhaps reach out to someone I hurt, or reach out to someone else who is hurting from feeling inferior.

NEVER ALONE

          Gotta love what a day can do.  Yesterday was beautiful and bright and relatively dry.  This morning I was awakened to bright flashes of lightning.  Very beautiful in and of themselves.  Thunder seems to be soothing to me, unless it sounds like s 747 crashing into my neighbors house.  Rain ensued.  I live across from a small creek (stream to those who are not from this area).  I know that when it rains a lot the creek gets high and my back yard becomes a temporary lake.

          I walked around the yard and took some pictures.  The Skunk Cabbage from yesterday looks so sad sitting in the middle of a puddle.  All alone.  Made me think how one day you can feel like the center of the universe and the next feel completely alone.  I feel for the little lone Skunk Cabbage plant.  Just sitting all alone in the bleak brownness of the late Winter landscape.  Now it is surrounded by water. 

          I can feel very alone at times.  I can be in  a crowded mall and feel totally alone and alienated. I can be in a bar conversing with people and still feel alone.  Conversely I can feel totally surrounded with only one or two people around.  I try to hold on to the knowledge that like the cabbage flower the water will abate, and other plants will begin to fill in around it.  It is just an early bloomer and will soon have plenty of company.  With my help it will not be overcrowded by weeds.  With a little hope, and a little kindness and understanding from others,  we should all realize we are never alone.

LOOK PAST THE NEGATIVE

          After the winter I look so forward to spring.  When everything becomes green again and life returns to the barren landscape.  For years I equated Spring with Crocus and Tulip bulbs finally popping out of the ground.  I took a walk around and found the tine tips of Narcissus, Tulips, and Crocus everywhere.  Always an amazing thing after such dark times.

           With the advent of my Wildflower Garden coming into growth I always spend time just sitting in the bleak browns and whites of the end of winter.  Nest to my rock is a plant 99% of people would never have in a garden.  Symplocarpus foetidus   aka.  Skunk Cabbage.   I know, I've heard it all before.  WTF is that doing in your garden.

 
          The first reason is that is is a pretty native foliage plant that does well in wet and shade.  The second reason is that the smell deters deer from entering that area of my garden.  The smell is only bad when there is a huge concentration of plants, I only have 4-5.  The last reason it that it is in fact the first plant to flower in the Spring....   actually in the late Winter.  This plant is in full flower now in February.  It actually produced the flower buds in December and slowly grew until they are now in blossom.  Most consider this a noxious weed to be destroyed, but it is a beautiful manifestation of life.  How many times do we only look at the bad aspects of someone or something without considering the good.  This is the true signal that spring has sprung.